tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-51947752859996813292024-03-05T16:54:17.772-05:00Mommying IdeasHelpful thoughts, ideas, and insights about being a mom, including:
child-rearing, safety, education, parenting styles, discipline, school, family, siblings, grandparents, etc. We discuss all ages, including: newborns, babies, toddlers, adolescents and beyondKirahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10003341972014746509noreply@blogger.comBlogger119125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5194775285999681329.post-19742341056199076942017-03-20T09:53:00.004-04:002017-03-20T09:53:32.512-04:00Children Thinking Fast & SlowReading <u>Thinking Fast and Slow</u> by Daniel Kahneman is a game-changer for moms.<br />
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The book shares a radical way of conceiving how we process information, based on decades of psychological research conducted by the author and his partner. The key principle is this: we have two primary ways of thinking: fast and slow.<br />
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• Fast thinking is based on schemas we have built in our minds: patterns of what we have experienced and therefore expect, without really "thinking" too much. Examples are: driving to a place we visit often (school, work, grocery store, etc.), brushing our teeth in the morning, or making a favorite, basic meal (pasta or cereal, for example). We can often do other tasks (or think about other things) while we engage in fast-thinking activities. We don't need to think much about how we do these activities, they are semi-automatic, and we expect the result to be unchanged each time. Fast-thinking also includes attitudes we have about other people in specific situations - stereotypes we carry with us in our minds. We create mental systems: schemas and stereotypes, based on this type of thinking.<br />
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• Slow thinking is the opposite: it is new information, careful calculations, that we need to focus on intently. Examples are: processing complicated math problems, navigating a new route somewhere (without GPS assistance), or learning a new program or recipe. We are virtually incapable of multi-tasking when we think slowly, and it is the key way of processing information that will challenge our stereotypes and expectations.<br />
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While most reading this book apply these principles to their social or professional lives, I find that moms can greatly benefit from applying the theories to their parenting. Here's how:<br />
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<b>Children are Slow-Thinkers</b>.<br />
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Babies and young children don't have the life-experience to have already established schemas and patterns that they have mastered. They cannot fast-think nearly ANYthing - from toothbrushing to putting on their jackets to eating a full meal at the table. Fast-thinking is based on practice, practice, practice. Children simply lack this practice and therefore take a LONG TIME to do the activities that we adults take for granted. And even once they know HOW to complete the task, they don't have it mastered so that it's second-nature ("fast-thinking").<br />
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In reviewing my own personal motherhood experience, I find myself most often losing patience when I don't "get" why it takes my child so long to complete an activity that s/he knows how to do. The child gets distracted, loses focus, and otherwise fails to complete the activity in the time-frame that a fast-thinking approach would deem appropriate. However, by applying the fast/slow-thinking principles, I am more mindful that children are not simply wired "differently" than me. Or being defiant or flighty. They simply haven't repeated and practiced these skills enough to be habit and fast-thinking.<br />
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And there's something else, too: slow-thinking is exclusionary. We can't focus intently on more than one subject at a time. So, if a child is putting his/her shoes on, and someone interrupts him/her with a question, s/he must stop putting on the shoe, in order to answer the question.<br />
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<b>So how does this affect motherhood? </b><br />
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1. We must help our children focus and give them space/time to slow-think through their activities. We should either be silent or carefully remind them "this is the focus right now, not that" as the situation warrants.<br />
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2. We should plan our days accordingly. Slow-thinking takes time, and we tend to dismiss or underestimate the amount of time it takes children to process and/or complete an activity. It's not just about "being patient," it's about planning for extra buffer time.<br />
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3. We can recognize our own fast- and slow-thinking patterns and keep ourselves in check. If a child is speaking to us while we are slow-thinking something, we should tell the child "wait, I'm focusing on something else right now," rather than assume we can multi-task. Likewise, we may fall into fast-thinking attitudes and opinions of our children and should be careful to slow down and consider that children grow and change. What we quickly/mindlessly know our children to like or need today may not be true tomorrow, so we must allow ourselves the time to slow-think and carefully consider our stereotypes of our children as well (e.g. "he's rude to his friends" or "she's terrible at spelling").<br />
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There may be other ways that fast- and slow-thinking affects our children and our mothering - I welcome your comments and suggestions!Kirahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10003341972014746509noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5194775285999681329.post-88215317615630658472016-12-13T20:00:00.002-05:002018-01-29T10:51:34.337-05:00The Perfect Balance Myth<div style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: "Source Serif Pro", serif; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: 32px; margin-bottom: 3.2rem; margin-top: 3.2rem; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
Having attended a feminist all-women's college, I headed into my 20's bright-eyed and ready to take on "having it all." I was expecting to juggle a healthy, happy family with a successful career, deeply enriching friendships, and generous involvement in a few social-interest groups. My children would be respectful, my husband doting, and my career steady and strong. And who was to tell me this isn't a likely picture? After all, women have come so far, shouldn't we still be shooting for the moon and aiming to crash through the glass ceilings?</div>
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Into my 30's, I started to look around at my fellow feminists and found that life wasn't serving us what we thought we had deserved. We had children who were brats or careers in flux. We weren't anywhere near those glass-ceilings, or if we were then we sacrificed everything, including our dignity, in order to reach them.</div>
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Most importantly, we are finding that the golden picture that had been painted for us was mostly a myth. There is no perfect balance, and there is no "having it all". Parents who work full-time, dual-careers see their children raised by someone else. And parents who choose to take a break from their career track to take care of their babies find themselves side-swiped and face tremendous headwinds re-entering the work force. Many of us don't have the means for full-time help, so we need to choose between time spent with children, with spouses, at the gym (or otherwise "taking a moment to ourselves") or with general "household management": cleaning up, paying bills, taking care of repairs, grocery shopping, healthy-food-preparation, etc. etc. Some of us are divorced or never found the right life-partner. Some of us have faced unemployment more than once. Some of us filed for bankruptcy or experienced chronic illness or loss. And many of us - perhaps the majority - are jaded and confused. What happened to "having it all"?</div>
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Since we all have 24 hours in our day, it's a zero-sum game: you cannot simultaneously prepare healthy dinners while also spending dinner-hour at that terrific Zumba class. Likewise, you cannot simultaneously work late to meet deadlines while also cleaning up the mess the kids made in the kitchen over the weekend. I have found that something has to give: for those of us with families, either children are neglected, the house is in disarray, the career isn't thriving, or the feminist-mom is taking valium just to keep from exploding. And alternatively, those of us without these family-related challenges are constantly put in the position of justifying our single-life or child-free status.</div>
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We are doing the next generation a disservice by not preparing them for real challenges that feminism has yet to address. While there are increasing women in the workforce, we are still underpaid compared to our male counterparts, and childcare is considered an afterthought. We are terribly competitive with each other, sharing idyllic photo-stories of ourselves and our lives on the internet, so that others may feel shamed if they haven't found or chosen the same work-life balance that appears on the screen. We want to have-it-all, but we don't have role models to guide us to fulfill that dream.</div>
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With all of the glowing stories and interviews in the media, I wish there were more space and room for addressing the struggles and challenges that we face. We need role models who will not only break through glass ceilings, but who will likewise break open their hearts and share their struggles and challenges, so that the rest of us can learn and benefit from the fuller picture. Many of us still have big hopes, dreams, and goals for our future and the future of other women across the country and the world. And in order to meet those goals and achieve those dreams, we need to be honest and open about the sacrifices that are made along the way.<br />
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So, for all the women who share my confusion, frustration, or anger, that we didn't expect this impossible balancing-act: you are not alone. If we pull together, we can provide the encouragement, guidance and support that we desperately need to get ahead. Together, we can share our honest and real struggles and experiences and figure out how to build a better system, for future generations of women to truly achieve a perfect-balance.</div>
Kirahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10003341972014746509noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5194775285999681329.post-45594606160031884192016-12-02T09:05:00.001-05:002017-02-28T22:33:21.474-05:007 Tips to Taming TechnologyIn today's world, smartphones are in the hands of younger and younger audiences, giving them access to information and technology that is beyond limits.<br />
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Having participated in a few programs and discussions on how to manage this new technology pervasiveness, here are a few tips on how to safely manage family technology use:<br />
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1. Be a Role Model. As in all other aspects of parenthood, children turn to their parents for advice and guidance. If you are constantly connected, then they will likely be as well. If you share inappropriate texts or photos, they will likely do the same. And most importantly: if you are constantly distracted by your phone or screen, they will be as well. In other words: if you think your child is: a) addicted to his/her device or game, b) rude or inappropriate online (or viewing/sharing rude/inappropriate things), or c) too easily distracted by texts or games, then check your own patterns of behavior. Keep yourself in line before berating them.<br />
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2. Be Involved. If your child enjoys a particular app or game, have him/her explain it to you, show you how it works, and even scroll through or play together. If you are involved in his technology world, there will be fewer surprises. More importantly, if you are interested in his/her games or apps, then your child sees you as a partner and not a threat - so you will be more likely the person s/he turns to if something is amiss.<br />
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3. Constantly Revisit. Technology is changing more rapidly every day. Whatever rules or boundaries you have today will likely change within the next few years (or sooner). The technology itself will offer different features, as new programs, games, and apps become available every day, and each wants to be at the cutting-edge. Internet knowledge is becoming like Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle: there's too much movement, so by the time you "fully" understand one game/app/program, it's already been modified and upgraded with new features, layout, or content. With this in mind, it behooves us to do our best to stay as current as possible and revisit our assumptions and rules accordingly.<br />
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4. Teach Internet Safety. Some parents want to shelter their children from online dangers by limiting their access, restricting their use, and otherwise creating a buffer from potential pitfalls. But as they grow, our children will be one step (or many!) ahead of us in terms of tech-savvy. So the best way to handle internet safety is to invite him/her to understand why you want to keep safe. Have not one discussion, but many. Using age-appropriate language, address your concerns about the internet and why it's important to be mindful of online personas, usernames and passwords, links, and settings. Give your child concrete examples of email spam, stolen identities, bullying, pornography, and any other internet concerns.<br />
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5. Discuss Permanence and Online Citizenship. Texting and commenting in writing is permanent. Unlike interactions many of us had growing up, which were mostly face-to-face, today's internet conversations and photos can be referred to, re-read or reviewed permanently. A questionable or inappropriate photo or comment is not forgotten and can be shared across lines: not only will your peers know what's happened, now your teachers, employers, and strangers around the world have access to your mishaps. Our children need to learn how to pause before pressing-go - consider how the photo or message may be interpreted by others, including people we respect. Our online persona should be carefully considered with each text or photo, as we never know who will read or see it down the pike.<br />
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6. Carve out "offline" times - and stick to them! It's important to de-tox from all cravings, and technology is no exception. Whether it's specific times in the mornings, evenings, weekends, or holidays, families should set aside a time to de-tech. This no-tech time is a perfect opportunity to check in with each other, engaging in everything from deep conversations to playful banter. It's extremely important that these non-tech times be shared by all family members, including parents, teens, and children. This fosters a sense of togetherness, and life slows down without the constant pings and beeps.<br />
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7. Stay active. There's no better way to keep technology-addiction at bay than engaging in other, off-line activity. Whether enjoying painting, dancing, poetry readings or cross-country skiing, a person is, by definition, not texting or gaming when participating in these and many other "real life" activities. Sign up your child or teen for any number of after-school or weekend activities, with special focus on team sports or other group activities that will help develop his/her social skills offline. Better yet, volunteer for worthy organizations, spending valuable time helping others. Choose activities together to sweeten the deal. Bottom line: get moving, get involved, and get active.<br />
<br />Kirahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10003341972014746509noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5194775285999681329.post-42347609110785905812014-12-30T23:17:00.001-05:002014-12-30T23:20:02.394-05:00A Must-See for all 21st Century Mommies<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/rixyrCNVVGA" width="480"></iframe><br />
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Welcoming your discussion on this video - chock full of "food for thought" (pun intended).Kirahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10003341972014746509noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5194775285999681329.post-63015326962673571462014-11-27T21:50:00.000-05:002014-11-27T21:50:11.980-05:00New Baby Must-HavesWe live in a consumer society where buying for baby is the #1 consumer splurge, nation-wide. Any baby store will list between 60-100 items that are "must-haves" for when the little guy or gal joins your family. Truth be told, many items truly are necessary - diapers, wipes, a stroller, and baby shampoo, to name a few. But many items can either be purchased on sale or second-hand... or skipped entirely.<br />
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Here's MommyingIdeas' official Newborn baby list of items to buy in a store, as well as suggestions of "ok for hand-me-downs".<br />
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Buy new:<br />
Disposable products (diapers, wipes, baby shampoo)<br />
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Ok for hand-me downs or to buy used:<br />
Everything else, as long as within safe parameters (used car seats, for example).<br />
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From experience, my advice is to buy *as little as possible* before baby arrives. Because, I have found, you truly won't know what you will want until baby is safe and sound in your arms. For example: think you'll need baby bottles? Think again! Some babies refuse many different brands and some won't take the bottle at all if you're a breastfeeding mom. What to do? Borrow a few different models from friends and family or buy used. Boil and clean thoroughly and know that you didn't waste money on a new one just to toss aside.<br />
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Crib? Get a pack n play with a bassinet top instead. Or better yet: ask to borrow one or buy used.<br />
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How about swaddlers? Some babies are quite the mini-houdinis and what looks nice before baby arrives may fall short of his actual needs once he's all folded in.<br />
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A stroller, you might ask? Even a stroller is going to be humongous for the infant AND it's best to see what kind of stroller you want once you see how mobile you are after baby arrives. Again: borrow and try out friends' models before you go buy.<br />
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SO - what do you do with the money you've saved? Hire help.<br />
Cleaning help.<br />
Cooking help.<br />
Laundry help.<br />
Grocery-shopping help.<br />
Baby-nurse help<br />
Coffee-delivery help.<br />
...you get the gist.<br />
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No joke: paying someone to take care of you and your baby is infinitely more valuable than any newfangled contraption you think you "must-have" for the new guy or gal.<br />
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Think ahead - you will need fewer items and more help than you expect. Make sure your budget is planned accordingly.Kirahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10003341972014746509noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5194775285999681329.post-57413474629660145082014-11-04T13:10:00.001-05:002014-11-04T13:25:48.962-05:00The Stranger IronyWe set our kids up to be lured into traps with strangers. And we don't even know it.<br />
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We do it All. The. Time.<br />
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Here's the scenario:<br />
A young child is sitting in the cart seat at the grocery store. An elderly man approaches. "Hello, pretty girl! You are adorable. What's your name?"<br />
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Child looks to Mommy for a moment, puzzled with how to proceed. Most of us will nudge our child to answer. "Go ahead, tell him your name!"<br />
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"And how old are you, sweetie?"<br />
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Child cowers and avoids looking at the stranger. Most of us will answer for our child. "Oh, she's 3. Her birthday was just last week."<br />
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BAM.<br />
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We've just taught our child to openly speak with strangers, and if they ask for personal information, the polite and correct response is to reply directly and honestly.<br />
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...and then we tell them at home "never talk to strangers, right?"<br />
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This is a classic case of *saying* one thing, but *doing* another.<br />
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In public places: grocery stores, shopping malls, even playgrounds, strangers approach vulnerable, young children constantly with a barrage of smiles, winks, and invitations to play or joke with them. And we adults typically entertain these gestures as if it's normal and ok to smile back, give a high-five, and yes - even take that cookie and enjoy it.<br />
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But we don't realize that we are sending our children entirely mixed messages that can potentially lead to the worst-case-scenario.<br />
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"Hey little guy, what's your name?"<br />
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"Awww that's so cute! Did your mommy get you that adorable hat?"<br />
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"Hi pal, is that your baby sister in the car seat?"<br />
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At the risk of coming across as rude (and consider, dear reader, why you *care* if the cashier or elderly grandmama thinks you're rude?) the wiser choice is to firmly inform, "I'm sorry but we don't talk to strangers" and show your kid that you live by your word.<br />
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Teach by example. Don't talk to strangers.<br />
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<br />Kirahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10003341972014746509noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5194775285999681329.post-20134459161143108612014-10-22T17:57:00.000-04:002014-10-22T17:58:12.123-04:00You are NOT my friend<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<!--StartFragment--><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-language: JA; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Most
of us want to be known as nice people. Caring friends. Neighborly neighbors.
Good Christians. We throw dinner parties that exhaust us. We volunteer with the
PTA. We donate to charitable causes. We chit-chat with friends and family,
often entertaining conversations that lead nowhere about mundane topics of
little interest. We do it to be liked, to be accepted.</span><!--EndFragment--><br />
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-language: JA; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-language: JA; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">We also live in a world which values smiles above-all-else. "Don't Worry, Be Happy" seems to be not a goal but a dictate. As if, God-Forbid someone actually NOT smile and be happy.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-language: JA; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br /></span>
<br />
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Unfortunately, in the modern world, our desire to share smiles and joy *at all times* often goes too far, especially vis a vis our children.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
See – our children need us to care for them, raise them, and
teach them. They need to learn how to be respectable members of society in
their own right. We are their primary source of sustenance and
protection, until they leave home and explore the world-beyond.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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But modern parents have gotten confused. They are grossly conflict-averse (since conflict may actually challenge that ever-present smile), and so rather than demanding reverence from their children, in today’s world of blurred boundaries, they seek friendship and acceptance.
Rather than be their children’s firm coaches, feared teachers, and respected
elders, they are chums and pals. They share intimate secrets,
inappropriate conversations, and enjoy pop-culture together.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Our children are learning that they need to respect no one, seek acceptance from nobody, and therefore suffer from a catastrophic lack of ambition that has never been seen in history. Why be motivated to do anything when your parents will dote on you, even if you sit on the couch all day? Why strive to excel when parents are equally impressed with mediocrity? When parents slap on a smile to every-single-report-card, children eventually lose interest.</div>
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Parents: your children are not your friends. They need to be taught. They need to learn discipline and responsibility. They need to experience your disappointment and frustration when they don't live up to who they can and should be. By coddling your child with friendship, you do him and all future generations a great disservice.</div>
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Step up to the plate and find your friends elsewhere - your child will be the stronger for it.<br />
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Kirahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10003341972014746509noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5194775285999681329.post-2737390697349249542014-10-18T21:34:00.000-04:002014-10-18T21:34:50.309-04:00Sneaky Chocolate MilkIt started very simple. I was thirsty and wanted to enjoy a bit of sweet chocolatey yum - in the form of a chocolate milk box. My daughter was playing quietly in the room next door, and I had just finished washing dishes. I walked over to the pantry and reached for the milk box with a cartoon of a cow on the front, when suddenly a small voice behind me said "Moo?"<br />
<br />
She had caught me.<br />
<br />
"Moo? Moo!" She cried, and her face lit up. She pointed to the milk box, easily identifying the picture of the cow. "Moo! Moo!" as she reached up toward me with eager arms, smacking her lips in anticipation.<br />
<br />
I was torn. Panicked, really. I had just taught her that these chocolate milk boxes were special for weekends-only. These were treats, not to be simply grabbed and punched open at-will. The weekday drinks were milk, juice, or water. Not chocolate-milk.<br />
<br />
"Moo!"<br />
<br />
She was starting to get confused - why was I delaying handing her the treat? After all, it was *in my hands*!<br />
<br />
This was a clear predicament. I couldn't explain to my 15-month-old daughter the difference between MY treat and HERS. No, she was too young to understand the difference. To her, whatever I had, she wanted. Wherever I went, she followed. Whatever I ate, she ate as well.<br />
<br />
I had to step up to the plate. I had to be the role model.<br />
<br />
"No - no Moo today." I said, putting the box back on the shelf.<br />
<br />
She cried. I comforted her and offered other drinks. She shook her head, crying "Moo! Moo!"<br />
<br />
I hugged her close: "I'm so sorry, baby... I won't do that to you EVER again." And I didn't.<br />
<br />
We parents have to understand that the FIRST rule of parenthood is to Be A Role Model. If you want a treat, your kid is allowed to want it too. We need to act with integrity and set our children to the standards we set for ourselves.<br />
<br />
All too often, we fall short, but we don't give our children the "wiggle-room" we grant ourselves.<br />
How many of us do the following:<br />
-Shout at your child to "Stop Yelling!"<br />
-Linger to chat with a parent after a playdate and then berate your child when he wants "just another 5 minutes? please?!"<br />
-Snap at your own parent and then tell your child "you need to respect Grammy!"<br />
-Leave a mess in the kitchen, but insist your child carefully pick up his toys<br />
...and the list goes on.<br />
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<br /></div>
We are human and won't be perfect. But remember that your child is watching you - imperfections and all. Strive to be better and he will too.<br />
<br />
<br />Kirahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10003341972014746509noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5194775285999681329.post-35603096174356563552014-08-06T13:24:00.000-04:002014-08-06T13:24:14.801-04:00Healthy TouchI recently read a study (sorry- I can't remember where) that discussed the importance of physical contact* with your child - a hug, a high-five, or even just a pat on the back. Touch is a subconscious reminder of the intimate connection between parent and child. Both benefit from this contact, as it calms and focuses their attentions. Parents are more understanding and patient, while children feel supported and accepted.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, older children - and especially teens - can go days without being touched by their parent(s). Babies are coddled and constantly shown affection, but the relationship with older children becomes primarily verbal - in some cases exclusively so. This is especially true of father-daughter relationships, as Dads become uncomfortable showing any sort of physical affection while daughters grow and change. According to the study, this often has an impact on daughters, who are more likely to seek physical male affection elsewhere (!)<br />
<br />
For some of us, it takes some effort to touch our children, even in some small way, daily. Did you give a kiss before he headed to school? Did you rub her shoulders as she was sitting doing homework? Did you tousle his hair in congratulations for a job well done?<br />
<br class="Apple-interchange-newline" />In fact, this same principle holds true for spouses and close friends - a welcoming hug, a high-five, or even a pat on the arm, create a sense of solidarity and connection.<br />
<br />
As children grow, they continue to learn from their parents, especially with regard to relationship-building and maintenance. Parents who continue to provide physical contact with their children encourage them to feel comfortable with their bodies and also appreciate the subtleties of different forms and styles of touch. In contrast, those parents who withdraw physical touch fail to teach their children about healthy adult (non-sexual) physical interaction. After all, when all touch is "taboo" then a naive teen will easily misinterpret a handshake, a tap on the shoulder, or a hug. Healthy touching leads to more confidence in teen years and a better understanding of what is "ok" and what is not.<br />
<br />
Pay attention to how often you touch your child - and challenge yourself to increase it and see how it affects the relationship. I'd be glad to hear what happens...<br />
<br />
<br />
*It goes without saying that this post refers to affectionate and absolutely *non-sexual* contact. Obviously, anything breaching that would constitute abuse.Kirahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10003341972014746509noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5194775285999681329.post-64653642011949553822014-07-31T06:57:00.000-04:002014-07-31T06:57:10.550-04:00Secondary Crises - a "not-your-average-parenting" postA country is at war. People are fearing their lives. They run from the bombs, seeking shelter. The main crisis is clear: war.<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
But there are secondary crises that are often overlooked: the wives and husbands of soldiers who are now single-parents - either temporarily or (sigh) permanently. The children who are panicked, the families torn apart. The refugees, the displaced, who must how rebuild their lives. The merchant who suddenly cannot make a living, since nobody is brave enough to go out on the streets and visit his shop. These "secondary crises" aren't often in the news - they aren't front-page material. But they are painful realities that need to be addressed.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Similarly, when a family is told that their child has an aggressive tumor, most people think of how to help with the primary crisis: cancer. They clearly understand the idea of fighting for life and many rally to support.</div>
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<br /></div>
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But there are secondary crises that are also painful. How to balance work/life in this new climate? How to take care of other family needs? The strain is especially hard on parents who must handle their own emotions while also getting through the practical daily chores *and* supporting their child/children in their own unique ways. Who is there to support these parents and siblings during the crisis?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Cancer and similar life-threatening conditions are not a short-term battle. They are a long-term war. The battle cry at the front is heard loud and clear, but what about those suffering behind, overlooked yet still scarred from the experience?</div>
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It's not as exciting to tend to secondary crises. Going out of your way to purchase products from people in a war zone doesn't have the cache that tweeting "go team" does. Likewise, caring for a sibling or parent of a sick child doesn't feel as meaningful. But it means the world to those who are not on the front but feeling the pain from behind.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
...and how does this relate to parenting? Those of us who overlook secondary crises may likewise neglect our children's subtle, less-exciting challenges. We pay attention when the battle gets bloody (figuratively or literally!), but we don't pay attention to the pain that may be lingering underneath. Take time to consider how to support your child through his/her secondary crises - this is key to winning the Great War of Parenting.</div>
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Kirahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10003341972014746509noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5194775285999681329.post-57185406942715516542014-06-08T14:26:00.001-04:002014-06-08T14:26:40.700-04:00The Most Horrible FeelingMany of us moms experience highs and lows of parenting. The highs: smiles, adorable phrases, warm sense of pride in developing new skills and new friendships. The lows: tantrums, homework, "normal" or "special" behavior/development issues, sleep-deprivation. For the most part, we encounter similar challenges and find familiar voices among friends and neighbors.<br />
<br />
But some challenges are different. Being told "your child has cancer" is different.<br />
<br />
Usually I blog about the "normal" challenges that we all face. Today, I share a different voice.<br />
<br />
You see: today, my son heads to Boston for his 7th intervention to rid him of aggressive, horrible tumors that would have killed him if we hadn't found them in time 2+ years ago. Today, I said goodbye to him, despite his tearful plea not to go, because he knows what awaits: needles, foreign rooms, pain.<br />
<br />
And today I so badly BADLY wanted to keep him safe at home.<br />
<br />
Most of you don't know that feeling. Most of you are lucky not to give your child over to doctors who promise to do their best, while your child cries from fear.<br />
<br />
When he is headed for the hospital, I always have the same feeling: I want to grab him and run away. I want to keep him safe. Desperately. Oh, so desperately wanting to keep him as far from the hospital as possible. But where to? Where can I take him to be safe from these tumors? There is nowhere to go. It is the ultimate feeling of defeat.<br />
<br />
"He has cancer." "Are you sure? Could it be something else?" "No. We are sure."<br />
<br />
Most of you don't know what it's like to awaken in the morning to the piercing reality that your baby, your joy, may not live through the next month or season. I cannot possibly express in words this worst-feeling-ever. The pit in my stomach. The rage in my mind. The weighty feeling throughout my body - like it will take a crane to pull me out of bed.<br />
<br />
I have imagined his funeral so many times in my head. I have imagined how I will break the news to his siblings, and how we will get by with his memory.<br />
<br />
"Think positive - things will work out!" "God is good - you are only given what you can handle in life." People who have never felt this worst-feeling-ever have no idea how empty these things sound to me. There is no "think positive" when you wake up in horror of what will be. And as for getting what I can handle? I'm not so sure I'm handling it, and I'm pretty sure this is why divorce rates are high among parents of children with cancer. No - some of us just can't handle it. Our other children suffer. Our marriages suffer. We are barely functional as a friend or employee.<br />
<br />
And even now that things are better - now that he's not fighting for his life like before... the reality is that we have been through hell and are not back yet. We still have to go to the hospitals and scans. We still are never sure if the tumor will suddenly appear by his heart or lungs or spine or other "vital structure"... we still want to grab him and run away.<br />
<br />
It's the most horrible feeling.<br />
<br />
Most of my blogs are about universal truths or ideas about Mommying. In contrast with the others, I hope this one sounds completely foreign to my readers.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Kirahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10003341972014746509noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5194775285999681329.post-26423314654482273102014-06-02T13:52:00.002-04:002014-06-02T13:53:29.848-04:00Conversations with my Sister: Making Tough ChoicesMy sister heads back to work, after a nice, long leave of a year to be with her adorable baby girl. It's thrilling, exciting, and also awful at the same time.<br />
<br />
She is so happy about her new job.<br />
<br />
And she's devastated about leaving her daughter.<br />
<br />
I find myself jealous that she is forging on with her career, making a nice living, feeling professional and respected. Meanwhile, I'm stuck with laundry, dirty dishes, stained clothing, and the occasional diaper that's leaked through.<br />
<br />
And then she tells me how difficult it is to leave her daughter. What if she doesn't do well at daycare? Should she look for a nanny instead, at twice the price? What if the daycare isn't as great as it seemed? What if her daughter doesn't sleep well or doesn't eat enough?<br />
<br />
... and then I'm not so jealous of my sister. I look to my side and see my tots playing and giggling together, so full of joy. I can swoop down for a hug and kiss whenever I want. I can play and sing with them all day. I never miss a new word or a new tooth budding.<br />
<br />
I wish I could build a career for myself, something respectful and helpful to others. And yet I want to be with my kids all-the-time. My sister wishes the same.<br />
<br />
We have tough choices. I've blogged about it before, but it's worth repeating: whoever said "you can have it all" was clearly not a modern mommy. There are constant sacrifices, and we are always looking over our shoulders, keeping tabs of the other mom who seems to juggle her world better. But we never know what is in her heart, what tears she sheds at night and what challenges she faces.<br />
<br />
Let's be there to support each other and make the most of those tough choices that really, truly we all have to live with.Kirahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10003341972014746509noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5194775285999681329.post-57432339623460070922014-03-27T15:10:00.002-04:002014-03-27T18:45:51.620-04:00The Selfish-Brat MomGenerally I think we Moms can do a better job of supporting each other.<br />
<br />
But there are some Moms who are beyond my comprehension: those Selfish-Brat Moms who think the world revolves around them (and maybe their kids).<br />
<br />
I encountered such a mom this week while teaching with <a href="http://www.tuneytots.com/" target="_blank">Tuney Tots</a>. She was so incredibly self-centered, she spat curses at the librarian who was politely asking her to follow the library rules (no lollipops during class, for example). It started me thinking - maybe we can learn from such moms - learn how NOT to behave, in public or in private. Here are some tips:<br />
<br />
Rules of the Selfish-Brat Mom: a brief introduction:<br />
<br />
1. Remember that the <b>world revolves around you</b>. If you want something, that's the most important thing right now, immediately. This holds true also of your kids: if you need them to do something, you will coerce, manipulate, threaten, or punish in order to get your way - even if it's something ridiculous to expect (like your 2 year old putting himself to bed each night).<br />
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2. <b>Assume your kids have done no wrong. Ever. </b>If accused that your child hit another child, shrug it off and ask "can you prove it?"<br />
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3. <b>Rules are made to be bent.</b> School policies aren't so important, or carpool lanes. Modes of conduct will follow whatever you think *should* be, rather than what other parents have agreed are best for the community. For example: at the local synagogue or church, your child may eat whatever he wants, wander off wherever he wants, talk loudly during the services, etc.<br />
<br />
4. <b>Take breaks </b>as often as possible. Hire nannies, send off to daycare, and coerce family into taking care of your kids as much as possible - weekdays, weekends, holidays, or whenEVER. You shouldn't have to work - you did enough just carrying the fetus for 9+ months, right?<br />
<br />
5. <b>Scheduling works around you</b>r needs, not your kids. This is true of any therapy services, school programs, nap times, etc. For example, if your child needs speech therapy, make sure it doesn't conflict with your weekly manicure, massage, and lunch out with the girls! (The therapist will have to work around all those things, after all). Your child will learn to sleep when its convenient for you, or just crash from exhaustion after being schlepped around. That's ok - quality sleep for kids is overrated.<br />
<br />
6. <b>Love can be bought</b>. If your kid is acting needy, clingy, or whiney, buy her a new toy and tell her to go play, since her behavior is downright annoying. If you can't get to a toy quickly, a candy or ice cream should do the trick. Then, you can get back to your texting.<br />
<br />
7. When in doubt, <b>blame someone else</b>. You can't possibly be at fault.<br />
<br />
Sound familiar? Sadly, many moms fit the bill. Some moms allow their kids to terrorize others and don't care (it's *just too hard to discipline them or teach them appropriate behavior*). Some moms are checked-out on their phones and tablets all-the-time, leaving their kids to fend for themselves at much too-young an age. It's a sad state of affairs, my friends. Sad sad.<br />
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***Please share your anecdotes of interactions with Selfish-Brat Moms in my "Comments" section!***Kirahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10003341972014746509noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5194775285999681329.post-75449803681123679762014-03-23T17:14:00.002-04:002014-03-23T17:14:52.771-04:00Conversations with my Sister: Checklist PracticumGenerally my blog is about concepts, ideas, and a smattering of practical advice. My sister has brought to my attention that I need to *make it come alive* more.<br />
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So here's some thoughts about checklists. Beginning with: make them. Lots of them.<br />
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Start before the baby is born. Start with your hospital visit. What do you need in your bag? And does your husband know what to do if you forget something? What projects are you currently handling that may need someone else to take over while you recuperate: make a checklist of these projects, including contact names and numbers of important people who are involved.<br />
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And when you get home: you will have checklists for this stage, probably from your doctor, and probably involving the baby's sleeping, eating, and peeing/pooping cycles. Why do you need them? Because you will very possibly NOT NOTICE that your baby's cycle is off unless you keep the checklist! Believe it or not, your baby's basic needs require: a checklist. Your maternal instincts won't cut it. And neither will your memory or your multi-tasking talents. Get used to it.<br />
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Next checklists: daycare, babysitter, or other baby-care. What does the caretaker need to know? What products do you need to send with baby so s/he has everything s/he needs? Food? Clothing? Diapers? etc.<br />
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The checklists don't end there, oh no! When kids get to school there are after-school checklists (to stay on-target and not overlook important events, assignments, chores, etc.), getting-ready-in-the-morning checklists (did you forget your underwear? brush teeth?), homework checklists (usually provided by the teacher), and more. Some families have meal checklists, to make sure they have ingredients they need for the dinners they plan (ahead of time, if they are wise).<br />
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Children are more confident when they have an organized, predictable, peaceful household environment. This doesn't mean that spontaneity is forbidden, but when parents have already planned ahead and have their children's needs covered, they feel assured and loved. Yes: checklists convey love. They give the child a solid message of, "I planned ahead, because I care..." or better yet "WE plan ahead because WE care..." about each other, about the family, mutually-respecting and anticipating each other's needs.Kirahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10003341972014746509noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5194775285999681329.post-23748571920236676862014-03-18T22:52:00.001-04:002014-03-20T06:55:10.045-04:00ChecklistsWe mommies have a tough time getting things done. Its not because we're completely incompetent – on the contrary, many of us have advanced degrees, many of us hold senior positions in companies large and small, and many of us have managed to multitask successfully in the past.<br />
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The challenge we face is due to the fact that, prioritize as we may, we are often interrupted tens or hundreds of times the day with a barrage of whines, screams, hugs, tickles, tears, tantrums, questions, and more. Each child demands *immediate* attention with *urgent* pleas. We then get off track, off balance, and quickly forget what we came upstairs to do or why we dialed our friend on the phone.<br />
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Having read the book <a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Checklist-Manifesto-Things-Right/dp/0312430000/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1395197141&sr=8-1&keywords=the+checklist+manifesto" target="_blank">The Checklist Manifesto</a>, I've realized that we mommies are actually NOT crazy, frazzled, or otherwise unreliable. On the contrary, it appears that all humans overestimate our capacity to remember to-dos and necessary steps - and lives are lost as a result! Dr. Gawande invites all of us to maintain checklists and not rely on memory to take care of what we *think* we won't forget to do (but we actually will).<br />
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Phew. Relief.<br />
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I'm so glad that it's not really "mommy-brain" that's taken over, but rather a dose of reality that: yes, I'm human and yes, I forget. So I'll rely on checklists to keep myself and my family in-line... as long as I don't forget to put together the checklist in the first place, of course!</div>
Kirahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10003341972014746509noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5194775285999681329.post-28858188585153621242014-03-13T16:51:00.003-04:002014-03-20T06:55:26.973-04:00Conversations with my Sister: Snack AttackMy sister is encouraging me to write in my blog some of the advice I give her in our phone conversations, which she says are helpful and practical. Indeed, this blog is intended for all moms, especially those who may not have a sister, parent, or other relative or close friend to give her the myriad "tips so you don't tip" as a mother.<br />
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The story is familiar to all families: at some point, your kid needs to head to school/daycare/camp/activity with a snack. And many of us want that snack to be healthy, easy, and not too pricey. Here is my advice to her, mother of a 13-month old heading to daycare:<br />
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1) Smoothie Pouches. These are the worlds.greatest.invention.for.moms!!! You can get the original GoGoSqueeze brand of applesauce with or without a zip of cinnamon, strawberry, or other flavor, or you could opt for one of the new mixes coming out by new brands (seemingly daily!) - I recently bought an apple/mango/kale mix which was fantastic and filling (even for my husband on-the-go - shhhh don't tell anyone but they can be a quick-fix for adults too). If you shop around, you can find specials, sales, and jumbo packs to make them a bit more economical, since some of them run upwards of $2/pouch.<br />
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2) Cheese Puffs. Like Cheetos but much healthier without the artificial colors, flavors, etc. They've got lots of crunch, without the calories and artificial colors, flavors, etc.<br />
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3) Cheerios. Old Standard. Don't we wish they made single-use packs for those of us working-moms? Hmmm.... maybe I'm onto something here?! Meanwhile, you can quickly stuff a handful in a baggie or any reusable container (they aren't particularly messy, just a bit of wheat-dust to wipe down after use).<br />
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4) Fruit Leathers. Just like the fruit roll-ups which were so popular when I was growing up, fruit leathers are thicker and smaller, easier to manage as long as your kid is old enough to bite and chew well.<br />
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5) Cheese Crackers. There are lots of organic, multigrain, and otherwise healthier alternatives to cheezits nowadays. But if you go for the original brand, try the white cheddar flavor which at least doesn't contain the added food colorings.<br />
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6) Yogurt Tubes. Another great concept in packaging for kids... although they aren't so easy for little tots to manage, they are definitely less mess and smaller quantity than a cup of yogurt. And the organic brands all have their own flavors and packaging.<br />
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...of course, steamed veggie cubes or cut up fruit are great to throw into a container, but some days (and some moms) just won't be able to fit that into the schedule. So give yourself a break and head for some of the items I mentioned - your child will be eating full, balanced snacks/meals without a lot of work for you.<br />
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Note on drinks: you can send your child with a sippy cup or a water bottle virtually anywhere these days, but you'd do well to clearly mark if the product needs to be refrigerated, and/or the contents inside. If you opt for drink boxes instead, you'd be wise to teach your child to hold it "by the wings" by pulling up the side corners of the box so that it doesn't spill when (always accidentally) squeezed for the first sip.<br />
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Note on clean up: I'm a firm believer that the chemicals in diaper wipes are NOT meant to wipe faces, mouths, or hands. In fact, they work great as stain-lifters on your clothes, so you gotta wonder if that's what you want your child wiping her mouth with for quick clean-ups at daycare or summer camp? I'm a big proponent of constant hand-washing with old-fashioned soap and water, instead. When sending your child away, find out what they use to clean hands and faces and make sure you are comfortable with the answer. If not, you can provide your own wipes of water with a little dish soap (easy to make with paper towels and a baggie) or go ahead and splurge on Sani-Hands for kids. It's worth the peace-of-mind.<br />
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As always, I welcome your thoughts/feedback - what else do you think is helpful advice for a mom & child on-the-go?!Kirahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10003341972014746509noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5194775285999681329.post-66697437715258837642014-03-07T15:53:00.000-05:002014-03-20T06:55:10.053-04:00EntitlementPossibly the biggest problem facing modern families is that of raising our children with a sense of entitlement. Our children have well-beyond what they need and, by the time they enter the work force, have little sense of solid work-ethic and drive to excel. They have been raised in a world where life is easy and if you don't get exactly what you want, you get something at least pretty close.<br />
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Just read the latest court case in New Jersey and you should get a sense of what I mean *see link below*... so she may not go to college? how is that different from millions of people (especially women!) who cannot or have not gone to college, because they needed to (gasp!) work for a living to (gasp!) support the family?!<br />
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<a href="http://www.cnn.com/2014/03/05/living/nj-teen-sues-parents-for-college-education/" target="_blank">CNN article here! http://www.cnn.com/2014/03/05/living/nj-teen-sues-parents-for-college-education/</a><br />
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The problem is sinister in its subtlety - it starts with doting on your infant in a natural and healthy, caring way, but then evolves through taking care of your toddler's needs, to making sure you "make time for your kid's homework" and then protecting your teenager from any distractions (read: volunteer work, employment, or even household chores) from her academic pursuits or extracurricular activities. By the time such a child hits the job market after college, he has: a) never held a job, b) never had a boss, c) never considered those who have less than perfect lives and d) never considered he may fail in anything in life. He has been coddled and comforted to the point of absurdity. He has been stamped with entitlement.<br />
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What is there to do about this problem? Here are a few pointers to keep your children fresh with understanding life doesn't come on a silver platter:<br />
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1. Make sure they fail - Allow your children to be less-than-perfect. Embrace their weaknesses - don't cover them up or over-protect them from feeling the "burn" of failure. Let them sometimes lose. And cry. And then provide the band-aids as they learn to wipe themselves off and move on.<br />
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2. Make sure they work - From chores to public service, children need to move and work. They need to learn about achievement beyond their classrooms. They need to know that practice-makes-perfect and what it means to be satisfied by a job well done.<br />
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3. Make sure they unplug - With increasing technological advancement, children are receiving "devices" at younger and younger ages, which translates into a micro-world revolving around them. The more they are plugged in, the less they are attuned to the world at large. Get offline, focus on interacting with the real world around them.<br />
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4. Make sure they meet others - One of the most valuable life-lessons for a child is meeting someone who has life-challenges that they hadn't considered. Volunteer with the needy or take your child to visit someone with a chronic illness. Donating goods doesn't cut it - while there's value in the idea of the donation, the face-to-face meeting is what will speak to your child's heart and make the difference in his world.<br />
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Many theorists believe this Generation of Entitlement is what could lead to the downfall of America as a world leader. Help spread this blog post and make a difference!Kirahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10003341972014746509noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5194775285999681329.post-25145448187811539942014-03-05T21:41:00.000-05:002014-03-20T06:56:19.526-04:00Myths & Facts #4: Having it AllMyth: "Women today can have it all."<br />
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Fact: Something's gotta give.<br />
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Explanation: You can't have a successful career, be a completely devoted wife and mother, attend all PTA meetings, and also pay your bills on time. We all have 24 hours in our day and can fit only so much into those hours. Juggle too much and it will all come crashing down, repeatedly. Juggle a few, and you can keep up a nice balancing act which will feel natural over time. Start small when you have your first child and slowly gain your new sense of balance. Give it time and practice - don't expect a perfect fit overnight. And sometimes expect one of the balls to fall - that's ok.Kirahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10003341972014746509noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5194775285999681329.post-84948532618524133432014-03-04T21:51:00.000-05:002014-03-04T21:51:47.402-05:00Myths & Facts #3: Perfect ParentsMyth: "I never shout or lose my tempter. I make sure to always treat my child evenly and calmly."<br />
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Fact: We all lose our cool. It's just a matter of life.<br />
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Explanation: We are humans. Not angels. We are not meant to be perfect and be "always" anything, really. We constantly change and grow, just as our kids do. This means that even if we are <i>usually</i> calm and even-tempered, we sometimes will not be.<br />
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More importantly: imagine a child who has never heard shouting, a mistaken rebuke, or anything but calm, polite discourse. Such a child, in my estimation, would be ill-equipt to lead a balanced life when he hits elementary school, much less adulthood. We all face challenges and imperfect lives. We need to know how to deal with adversity, mistakes, and hardships. Perfect parents are a myth, and aren't we so glad that's the case?!<br />
<br />Kirahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10003341972014746509noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5194775285999681329.post-85087551636961034572014-03-03T14:01:00.001-05:002014-03-03T14:01:29.596-05:00Myths & Facts #2: Clean Up TimeMyth: "My kids always clean up diligently after they play. I have a tidy, organized play space."<br />
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Fact: Most kids, like most adults, are less excited about clean-up than about mess-making. Diligent clean-up is a fairy-tale, unless there is a housekeeper involved.<br />
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...So what do we do? First of all: <i>lower your expectations</i>! The main point of teaching your child to clean up is just that: teaching. It's not about the results, but rather the process. Do not expect a cleared, organized space, but rather a child who understands the principles of responsibility and respect (for her space, other people's needs, etc.) This doesn't mean you should clean up for a minute and move on, of course. But it does mean that you need to remember that it's about your child's growth and education and not your well-kept home.<br />
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And the best way to teach him about clean-up? As Mary Poppins pointed out: "...find the fun and snap! the job's a game". There are many tips on how to bring out the fun involving clean up. Here are some ideas, but you need to embellish and see what works for you and your kids:<br />
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-Crank up the music. Make it into a hip-hoppin' dance party, where the toys are props that are tossed into their boxes to the beat.<br />
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-Find the hidden pennies. In big messes, you can hide pennies (or M&Ms, stickers, or other prizes) and create a challenge to see who can collect/find the most hidden treats while tidying.<br />
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-Get down with it. A great way to encourage your kid is to work alongside with him. Have a conversation, transfer clean-up time into an opportunity to chat about your day or tell a story.<br />
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-Sportscast the "game". Grab a spoon as the microphone and pretend to give a "play by play" account of the clean up, filled with jokes and silly commentary.<br />
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-Race. Keep tabs on how long it takes the child(ren) to clean a room and try to beat your own time OR race against Mommy to see who can clean up fastest/most etc.<br />
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-Create excitement. Make up a story of why it's "so important" to clean up "right away" - for example: "oh no, little bear wants to go to sleep! We'd better clean up the room so we can take him upstairs!"Kirahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10003341972014746509noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5194775285999681329.post-54532510046443154052014-03-02T18:17:00.003-05:002014-03-20T06:55:10.050-04:00Myths & Facts #1: PottyTrainingMyth: "My kid was potty trained in a week at age 13 months old! No hassle, no mess!"<br />
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Fact: Some kids will take *years* (no joke!) to finally go without accidents. And it won't matter much what age you introduce him to the wonderful poopy-swishing machine. (Especially if you include night shifts in the bargain).<br />
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Explanation: Kinda like childbirth, the truth is that this is less of a one-big-intense-moment and more like a long-drawn-out-haul. You can plan all kinds of perks and prizes to help encourage your tike to "do it, do it, do it on the toi-let!" but the truth is he will very likely sometimes do-it-right and sometimes do-it-whenever/wherever he wants, even after months of knowing where the toilet is and how to do-it.<br />
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...So be patient. Choose when you want to make the introduction, probably based on when your kid heads to school or daycare - either for your ease-of-mind or mandated by the age/class of the school. Go ahead and make it fun or amusing, but *take it easy* - don't sweat if your kid doesn't embrace the new system 100%. Plan ahead with lots of baking soda to throw into messy laundry (get comfortable with the "soak" cycle) and buy some thick underpants and extra plastic-mats at your local baby store to carry you through the nights. As with everything else in parenting: consider this a test of your endurance - go for the Gold!Kirahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10003341972014746509noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5194775285999681329.post-46720914962535594802013-09-14T23:39:00.005-04:002014-03-20T06:56:19.531-04:00Nursing ReverieBreastfeeding can mean a lot of different things to different women. Some women do it for their children's health. Others do it as a form of bonding. Some find it cozy and loving, while others find it a painfully-taxing duty as a mother. Whatever your reason, there are some hidden benefits that moms should consider.<br />
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First stage benefit: TV or reading time. At the first stage when baby is a newborn, s/he will breastfeed a LOT. You will be nursing often and for long periods of time each feeding. You will be tired and weak, not really up for much of anything to do. Luckily, this is the perfect stage and time to ... catch up on your favorite episodes! Dive into a trashy novel! If you plan out a nice cozy spot to snuggle with your baby (and perhaps with your spouse's help getting all the electronics or props arranged at your fingertips), you can enjoy your tablet, book, or online shows while also being productive and taking care of your new baby - a nice win-win!<br />
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Second stage benefit: Me time, all to yourself! At some point your baby will start to be distracted if you do any other activity (watch tv, read a book, talk on the phone) while breastfeeding. This often coincides with the stage when people are no longer concerned with helping you out as a new-baby momma, and you are feeling particularly drained and exhausted. Nursing at this stage can be your opportunity to relax, let go of your "to do"s, and shut out the world.<br />
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Third stage benefit: Meditation! Once nursing has become second-nature and baby is more active, especially after having introduced other foods, breastfeeding becomes a time to let your mind flow with ideas and daydreams. No matter what your style: whether you are a "get stuff done" mom or a hippie-philosopher, this stage is great for taking time out to clear your mind and/or observe your thoughts. Now that you are running around after your child more, here is a great opportunity to slow down and refresh yourself. You may use this time to envision tomorrow's meeting, an upcoming birthday party or compose (in your mind) your next mommying blog :) No matter what your thoughts may be, many psychologists and religious leaders alike encourage meditation, and like-it-or-not, this is a time when you probably do just that: meditate.<br />
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I never thought of myself as a meditator, and yet after almost 9 years of breastfeeding, I suddenly realized that I do indeed mediate on a regular basis - while breastfeeding. Nursing can be your time-out from all the other mommy to-dos and messy-life demands. It can be your opportunity to check back into your deepest thoughts, dreams, and wishes. It can carve out time to shut off your mind while you watch tv, or just the opposite: allow you to really tap into your creative juices and most passionate self-discoveries.<br />
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So no matter your reason for breastfeeding, consider these benefits in addition to the ones you may already espouse - they make your nursing time more meaningful for you and your baby.Kirahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10003341972014746509noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5194775285999681329.post-27444943202350699832013-07-18T11:28:00.002-04:002013-07-18T11:28:19.849-04:00Clarifying GriefAfter hearing a few responses from my post "Permission to Grieve," I'm adding more definition and clarity to the idea in this post... and perhaps I'll even add more, as needed...<br />
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First, note the term "grief." According to psychological accounts and studies, the parent of a child with a life-threatening illness is mourning a loss. To many, this may sound odd - we commonly mourn a loss only after a person's death. But consider: when we are mourning a person's passing, we are actually mourning the loss of <u>life as we had expected it</u>. When an elderly parent dies, his child will mourn the <u>loss of future opportunities</u> together. In other words, we are not actually mourning the death. We are mourning that our future will not be as we had hoped/planned. Likewise, a child whose life is threatened is no longer going to enjoy the future we had planned for him/her. Our lifestyle is dramatically changed, and we are mourning those dreams and hopes that will possibly/probably never come. We mourn our loss of innocence, and we face the daily/hourly painful and persistent thought of "how long will s/he be able to do this with me?" along with a sense of loss that we cannot protect our little one from the severe pain and suffering s/he must endure. We are grieved. We are in mourning.<br />
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In considering how to best illustrate what Permission to Grieve means, I find it helpful to quote our friend Alan Gong who eloquently expressed in his own recent post on his daughter Janie's CaringBridge site. Reading below should help clarify:<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, helvetica, clean, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16px;">"<i>Don't bring me flowers to my funeral, bring me soup when I'm sick</i>."</span><br />
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This journey has been a lesson in honesty for me. The painful process of learning to be honest with myself and honest with others, something I've been conditioned not to do at great cost to myself and those around me. But suffering has a way of bringing the humility needed for that kind of honesty. </div>
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<span style="font-size: 10pt;">It's been challenging to be honest about what we've needed and how to ask for that help. What we need is real community[...] We don't need inspirational Bible verses, attempts to reason why this is happening, or suggestions on how to treat[...] </span><span style="font-size: 10pt;">We need people willing to help carry the weight of this burden. People who will welcome us into their lives as opposed to just stepping out of it to check in on us once in awhile. We need people willing to hurt with us, not feel bad for us. We need compassion, not pity.</span></div>
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There is nothing anyone can do or say that will make anything about this situation better. Nothing will make the load any lighter. But when others get underneath with us and help bear some of it, the load starts to become easier to bear. Just showing up is enough sometimes. I believe this is what God intended for community and relationships. <span style="font-size: 10pt;"><br /></span></div>
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I don't know how universal these feelings are, but in conversations with others dealing with suffering like ours, it appears to be common. Suffering is a lonely feeling. I feel no one understands nor would they want to get close enough to the pain to be affected. That because this is such a long and uncertain journey, nobody could endure it with us for want to go back to their own lives. Our culture tells us to seek pleasantness and security and comfort. It's counter culture to accept suffering. So why would someone willingly suffer our pain with us?</div>
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This is not meant to cast blame or guilt. We're very thankful for everyone who has reached out to us over the past year. I believe your hearts intent was and is to truly help us and just by letting us know we're not forgotten, you have. We also just weren't capable of asking for the help we needed. But we're working on vulnerability and this is part of that. </div>
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As expressed above - Permission to Grieve is about honesty and pain. It's about willingness to acknowledge life as a struggle and not shying away from the tears. </div>
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It occurred to me that Cult-of-Optimism embraces the classic "glass is half full" paradigm. What is overlooked is that <u>to every half-full, there is <b>by definition</b> a half-empty!</u> For some reason, our society refuses to talk about the half-empty - refuses to acknowledge that half-empty as a reality. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Think about it.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
As always, welcoming your comments and replies.</div>
Kirahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10003341972014746509noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5194775285999681329.post-18268563917534278242013-07-11T23:21:00.003-04:002013-07-11T23:40:49.555-04:00Permission to Grieve<div class="MsoNormal">
Ok folks, I’m getting personal.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Most of the posts on this blog are general mommying
messages. Some are funny and light. Most are universal. This one gets more
personal – and yet through the personal, I think it will resonate more
generally.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We live in a Cult of Optimism – in our culture, people are
peppy and youthful and vibrant. We whiten our teeth and color our hair. We put
on flashy clothes and walk into interviews with a “can-do” attitude. All of
this is fine… to a point. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At some point as a parent, we feel weak and frail. At some
point, we face tough decisions and times of failure. At some point, we cannot
maintain our “happy and fine” attitude. At these times, the Cult of Optimism
works against us. Because at these times, we are not optimistic. We are not
able to maintain our membership in the Cult.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Our family has now spent the past year and a half facing an
aggressive tumor. Our path is uncertain and our troubles are many. Throughout
the ordeal, some people have been incredibly supportive of our need to be
melancholy, nervous, or frustrated. Others have drifted away, presumably not
comfortable with how to interact with a parent feeling ongoing grief and
sadness.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Having left the Cult of Optimism – temporarily or
permanently - we sometimes feel alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Because those in the Cult of Optimism will ask us “how are you?” but
frown if our answer is anything but “fine.” They will not allow us to be sad.
They feel uncomfortable with our grief.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
This post is an act. A statement. An invitation to a new twist
in parenting: Permission to Grieve. We allow ourselves to be sad and
overwhelmed. We relinquish our control and desire to “fix” each other’s
dilemmas and instead hold each other’s hands and support each other during our
times of weakness. We share, and we cry together. We acknowledge that we have
little control in our world, little control over our children. We sympathize that
parenting is not always joyful, not always fun, and sometimes downright
unfulfilling. And that’s okay. We can be disappointed and grieve together.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Kirahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10003341972014746509noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5194775285999681329.post-37831871921246780162013-07-10T11:38:00.000-04:002013-07-10T11:38:37.004-04:00The Perfect VacationThe perfect vacation, like so many phrases in the parenting how-to manual, is an oxymoron. Vacations seem to be imperfect by design. We plan a vacation to "relax" or "have fun" - but usually the fun and relaxation ends well-before the vacation even begins. We left our wallet in the cab. We forgot the baby's antibiotics in the fridge. We didn't take out enough cash. We got stuck in traffic. We lost a sandal at the rest-stop. We can't find binkie when we finally arrived...<br />
<br />
In order to detox ourselves from the idea that the vacation should be fun or relaxing, we need to properly re-align ourselves with what the vacation is really about. Before children, vacation was about me/us and an activity. After children, we redefine vacation as: a special time to grow with your child.<br />
<br />
As with all growth, vacations, by design, can be painful processes. Many of us feel they are necessary-evils as a parent. We want our child to grow - to experience new and exciting activities. And tossing them into these activities can be painful for us, for our children, or both. Yet, we learn from them. We learn about our kids and their thresholds for exhaustion, tumult, or hunger. We learn how they interact with new and exciting events - how they process the stimuli and make sense of their new surroundings. Suddenly we realize that they hate slimy water. Or that they love building in the sand. Or that our cousin's obsession with baseball can be a healthy inspiration. And we learn about ourselves in the process: how much stress can we take? How many activities can we handle? What correct and incorrect assumptions have we made about ourselves and our kids?<br />
<br />
Growth is also exciting and undefined - it will happen when least-expected. We may think that experiencing the beach and waves is what we came for, when, in fact, staying up late and playing games with Granny turns into the favorite memory. We may want to rush to get to the museums, when our child is fascinated by the ticket-machine at the train station. We may think it's time to head to the restaurant, when baby gets a fever and Auntie treats her to ice cream.<br />
<br />
By the time we go on our first vacations, most of us have already begun to learn that we cannot control our children as much as we'd have liked. Perfect vacations are the perfect opportunities for us to witness our child's growth by providing a new platform for them to jump off (sometimes literally?!) They won't be relaxing. And probably mostly not-fun. But the memories will be cherished nonetheless.Kirahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10003341972014746509noreply@blogger.com0