Ok folks, I’m getting personal.
Most of the posts on this blog are general mommying
messages. Some are funny and light. Most are universal. This one gets more
personal – and yet through the personal, I think it will resonate more
generally.
We live in a Cult of Optimism – in our culture, people are
peppy and youthful and vibrant. We whiten our teeth and color our hair. We put
on flashy clothes and walk into interviews with a “can-do” attitude. All of
this is fine… to a point.
At some point as a parent, we feel weak and frail. At some
point, we face tough decisions and times of failure. At some point, we cannot
maintain our “happy and fine” attitude. At these times, the Cult of Optimism
works against us. Because at these times, we are not optimistic. We are not
able to maintain our membership in the Cult.
Our family has now spent the past year and a half facing an
aggressive tumor. Our path is uncertain and our troubles are many. Throughout
the ordeal, some people have been incredibly supportive of our need to be
melancholy, nervous, or frustrated. Others have drifted away, presumably not
comfortable with how to interact with a parent feeling ongoing grief and
sadness.
Having left the Cult of Optimism – temporarily or
permanently - we sometimes feel alone.
Because those in the Cult of Optimism will ask us “how are you?” but
frown if our answer is anything but “fine.” They will not allow us to be sad.
They feel uncomfortable with our grief.
This post is an act. A statement. An invitation to a new twist
in parenting: Permission to Grieve. We allow ourselves to be sad and
overwhelmed. We relinquish our control and desire to “fix” each other’s
dilemmas and instead hold each other’s hands and support each other during our
times of weakness. We share, and we cry together. We acknowledge that we have
little control in our world, little control over our children. We sympathize that
parenting is not always joyful, not always fun, and sometimes downright
unfulfilling. And that’s okay. We can be disappointed and grieve together.
An important blog. I would appreciate more detail on defining the "cult of optimism" what the symptoms are, and why we have to grow up.
ReplyDeletebeautifully said. thank you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting this!
ReplyDeleteMy daughter was born a little over a year ago and all my friends and family were so excited and all came to share in our joy. Unfortunately about a month after she was born my daughter was diagnosed with some health and developmental issues. The rest of the year was spent going in and out of the hospital and full of constant trips to various specialists and therapists.
Its been hard to always pretend that everything is fine and that I believe she is going to "out grow this" but my friends don't want to hear anything else and if ever my optimism falters and I express my fears for her and how difficult her life is going to be the line I always get is "oh you're worrying too much, you caught it early and are on top of it... she'll be fine" I know these comments are meant to make me feel better but they make me feel worse - not only do I have the pain and disappointment of whats happening but I feel like a bad mother for not being able to handle things as well as everyone thinks I should.
I always tell my son that it is okay to cry when you feel upset and that sometime just crying can help make you feel better. I guess I needed to hear that for myself too.
Kira, you are such a beautiful person and such a beautiful writer. This is a Kveller.org blog if I ever did hear one. Or DoubleXX or Slate. Get the word out! You can always tell me it sucks. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comments - based on the replies, I will compose a follow-up post soon ...
ReplyDelete