Dedication

As I read the controversial book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, by Amy Chua (see link), I gleaned some important messages.

In contrast with the hype and criticism the book (and author) received, I found the book uniquely empowering and enlightening.

The story takes the reader on a journey into the sensibilities, challenges, and considerations of a world-class mommy. It begins with her first daughter, who seems, for the most part, to follow her mother's directions and directives. Her second daughter provides most of the drama in the tale, as her headstrong, defiant nature challenges her mother's dreams, goals, and hopes for her future.

She begins the book with some introductions on Chinese parenting, including:

"...I came to see that Chinese parents have two things over their Western counterparts: (1) higher dreams for their children, and (2) higher regard for their children in the sense of knowing how much they can take." (p. 8)

and

"Western parents try to respect their children's individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they're capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits, and inner confidence that no one can ever take away." (p. 63)

There are some clearly positive-value results from such parenting, including a solid work ethic and sense of respect, as Chua writes, "in Chinese culture, it just wouldn't occur to children to question, disobey, or talk back to their parents. In American culture, kids... score points with their snappy backtalk and independent streaks." (p. 24)

As the book progresses, Chua shares some doubts about her Asian-style of parenting, struggling with her commitment to many of its principles. And here, friends, is where I found the book refreshing and inspirational - the Chinese values are clearly worth consideration, and her struggle to maintain them while entrenched in a thoroughly Western environment brings beautiful drama to the picture.

Where the book begins with her embracing rigid determination ("Asian-ness") as a parent, by the end she shares newfound ("Western"?) wisdom with her daughter, claiming, "See how undefensive and flexible I am? To succeed in this world, you always have to be willing to adapt." (p. 221) Indeed, she admits that, "I'm still in the fight, albeit with some significant modifications to my strategy. I've become newly accepting and open-minded." (p. 221)

The clincher and the greatest message of this book is: dedication. Chua is clearly supremely dedicated to her children. Whether her methods are quirky, extreme, or questionable, her motives are pure and admirable: to challenge her children to tap into their own greatness and potential - to work hard and reap the benefits of their labor.

On the reverse cover of the book, the quote reads as follows:

"Chinese parenting is one of the most difficult things I can think of... there's just no letting up, no point at which it suddenly becomes easy. Just the opposite, Chinese parenting... is a never-ending uphill battle, requiring a 24-7 time commitment, resilience, and guile."

Whether Asian or Western in style, Chua challenges her readers to dedicate their time and energies to their children. On reading her book, one cannot help but consider "Am I too weak? Should I be more dedicated to my child's greatness-potential? Am I doing enough to encourage/challenge them to do more, be more?"

These questions, along with the message of dedication, are the real gifts of Chua's work. Set the controversies aside and consider what the book can offer you in your life - you'll be glad you did.

Is Peace always the Path?

We moms often run the emotional spectrum - one minute blissfully peeking at our napping angel, next screaming at our daughter who has thrown juice all over the floor.

Many psychologists encourage us to remain calm at all times, do our best to project a peaceful and comforting energy to our children.

I'm not so sure about that.

Now, I definitely believe that in the early years, say from newborn to age 2 or 3, it's important to be patient and loving, since these little tots are extremely sensitive to our support, and they don't understand our anger or upset. They also rarely (in normal home environments) deliberately harm or hurt themselves or others.

But something changes by elementary school, and I, for one, think they no longer need to see me as an Angel of Peace at all times. On the contrary, they need to see me "break down". Why? Don't they need a role model for maintaining a calm demeanor, even when facing challenges? Well, yes and no.

While truly we parents are our children's primary role models, we are also their primary teachers. When we yell and punish them, not only are we showing them that what they say or do have consequences, but we also teach them that they can and will be hurt in life... and that LIFE GOES ON. What I'm considering is that it's not about the yelling &discipline, but rather the what-happens-next.

If children never (or very rarely) see or experience an angry, upset, or otherwise-riled parent, then s/he is ill-equipt to deal with his/her own anger and upset which WILL appear at some point in life. And since they have never seen an adult be angry and then get over it, then they will likewise not know how to deal with their own anger. Ditto on the receiving end: if they've never been the target of someone's anger, then when they experience it later in life, they will be thrown and uncertain of how to respond and how to move past the situation.

On the other hand, children who have seen their parents angry, yelling, even spanking, will have a deep and strong sense that sometimes life is tough, but they will know from experience how to shake it off and move past.

In other words, we should (responsibly choose to) be angry, show upset, and allow our children to react and respond... and then guide them as to how to manage their feelings and how to move past the hurt.

Rather than hiding and sheltering them from rough times, help them get through them, past them, and rise above them.

Getting in the Fight

There are many opinions about and approaches to children fighting with each other. There are some parents who completely let the children work it out, offering neither advice nor guidance, and believe that they must learn how to deal with obstacles on their own. Then, there are others who get 100% involved themselves: negotiating, pleading, bribing, and often taking sides and punishing when they deem fit.

Parents on all sides of the spectrum will get defensive that their approach is best. On the one hand, getting overly involved can become a crutch and children may never learn to work out their differences on their own. On the other hand, by completely ignoring the tiff, parents are giving a message that they don't care, and also they allow for injustice and bullying where it could otherwise be prevented.

I believe that neither approach is ideal. Instead, I advocate "teaching your child to fish"... referring to the old adage that if you give a man a fish he will eat today, but if you teach a man to fish, he will have food for his lifetime. Having been trained in mediation, I see how little we ADULTS are aware of our conflict communication & behaviors, all the more so children. We will do the next generation a great service by teaching them how to deal with conflicts, empowering them with specific guidelines regarding justice (aka "fairness"). We should listen attentively to their petitions for help, and while we may not take action FOR them, we can ask pointed questions that guide them to mature tactics, along with self-confidence to handle the dispute.

The likelihood that children, working out their own conflicts, will end in a peaceful and just resolution is slim. At best, someone's feelings will be hurt, and at worst, children will end up hating siblings or peers, or worse: themselves. The investment in teaching children how to deal with conflicts, how to speak their minds clearly, and how to approach injustice pays off in infinite reward - empowering children so they not only deal with the immediate issue but also learn how to face future conflicts on their own. While it may take more time and effort to listen to your child, process with him/her the dispute, and guide to some possible resolutions, this is by far the superior approach.

Must Do

I've chilled out as a mother. Sort of.

What I mean is that my mothering has changed. And I feel more at-ease with myself and my choices.

A big part of that is due to an epiphany of sorts. A breakthrough... from something my husband said (as I mentioned in a prior blog, he really is pretty brilliant :)

Here's what happened:

I was heading into the weekend - I usually ended my Fridays wanting the house to look perfect, have my kids bathed, dressed, and well fed, the laundry done and put away, the kitchen clean and cleared, etc. This particular Friday wasn't going my way. The house was in disarray, the kitchen overflowing with dirty dishes, and my kids were running around the house wreaking havoc. The laundry was half-done, unfolded. The food wasn't nearly cooked, but I was. I was totally fried.

My husband came home from work and saw that I was in quite a state. He turned to me and said sternly, "Let's just focus on what NEEDS to happen. Now." Quickly, I scanned the house - I needed to have food; that was a given. I needed to take a shower, for sure. And the mess? The dishes, laundry, toys, etc...? I decided, in that moment, to just let that all go. Released.

And since then, my parenting altered. Sure, I want to have an organized, clean house. But I forgive myself much quicker than I used to, as I trudge off to bed with the dishes still in the sink, or the laundry in the washer, or the blocks and dolls in a pile on the floor.

Instead, my energies are increasingly focused on my kids - making sure they get the attention they need (well, there's never enough time in the day for that, really, but I'm swayed more in that direction, anyway). And on myself, taking time out for a quick workout or to indulge in a real sit-down lunch (rather than a yogurt-on-the-go). And let's not forget some quality time with my spouse, who, after all, inspired this blog to begin with :)

So the message is this: When you feel like there are more to-do's than will ever get done in your hour, day, or week - let go. Release. Just focus on what you MUST do, and let the rest go. Your world will be much calmer and probably happier.

Dedication

As I read the controversial book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, by Amy Chua (see link), I gleaned some important messages.

In contrast with the hype and criticism the book (and author) received, I found the book uniquely empowering and enlightening.

The story takes the reader on a journey into the sensibilities, challenges, and considerations of a world-class mommy. It begins with her first daughter, who seems, for the most part, to follow her mother's directions and directives. Her second daughter provides most of the drama in the tale, as her headstrong, defiant nature challenges her mother's dreams, goals, and hopes for her future.

As the book progresses, Chua shares some doubts about her Asian-style of parenting, struggling with her commitment to many of its principles. And here, friends, is where I found the book refreshing and inspirational - the Chinese values are clearly worth consideration, and her struggle to maintain them while entrenched in a thoroughly Western environment brings beautiful drama to the picture:

"...I came to see that Chinese parents have two things over their Western counterparts: (1) higher dreams for their children, and (2) higher regard for their children in the sense of knowing how much they can take." (p. 8)

and

"In Chinese culture, it just wouldn't occur to children to question, disobey, or talk back to their parents. In American culture, kids... score points with their snappy backtalk and independent streaks." (p. 24)

Where the book begins with her embracing rigid determination ("Asian-ness") as a parent, by the end she shares newfound ("Western"?) wisdom with her daughter, claiming, "See how undefensive and flexible I am? To succeed in this world, you always have to be willing to adapt." (p. 221)

The clincher and the greatest message of this book is: dedication. Chua is clearly supremely dedicated to her children. Whether her methods are quirky, extreme, or questionable, her motives are pure and admirable: to challenge her children to tap into their own greatness and potential - to work hard and reap the benefits of their labor.

Whether Asian or Western in style, Chua challenges her readers to dedicate their time and energies to their children. On reading her book, one cannot help but consider "Am I too weak? Should I be more dedicated to my child's greatness-potential? Am I doing enough to encourage/challenge them to do more, be more?"

These questions, along with the message of dedication, are the real gifts of Chua's work. Set the controversies aside and consider what the book can offer you in your life - you'll be glad you did.