Myths & Facts #4: Having it All

Myth: "Women today can have it all."

Fact: Something's gotta give.

Explanation: You can't have a successful career, be a completely devoted wife and mother, attend all PTA meetings, and also pay your bills on time. We all have 24 hours in our day and can fit only so much into those hours. Juggle too much and it will all come crashing down, repeatedly. Juggle a few, and you can keep up a nice balancing act which will feel natural over time. Start small when you have your first child and slowly gain your new sense of balance. Give it time and practice - don't expect a perfect fit overnight. And sometimes expect one of the balls to fall - that's ok.

Nursing Reverie

Breastfeeding can mean a lot of different things to different women. Some women do it for their children's health. Others do it as a form of bonding. Some find it cozy and loving, while others find it a painfully-taxing duty as a mother. Whatever your reason, there are some hidden benefits that moms should consider.

First stage benefit: TV or reading time. At the first stage when baby is a newborn, s/he will breastfeed a LOT. You will be nursing often and for long periods of time each feeding. You will be tired and weak, not really up for much of anything to do. Luckily, this is the perfect stage and time to ... catch up on your favorite episodes! Dive into a trashy novel! If you plan out a nice cozy spot to snuggle with your baby (and perhaps with your spouse's help getting all the electronics or props arranged at your fingertips), you can enjoy your tablet, book, or online shows while also being productive and taking care of your new baby - a nice win-win!

Second stage benefit: Me time, all to yourself! At some point your baby will start to be distracted if you do any other activity (watch tv, read a book, talk on the phone) while breastfeeding. This often coincides with the stage when people are no longer concerned with helping you out as a new-baby momma, and you are feeling particularly drained and exhausted. Nursing at this stage can be your opportunity to relax, let go of your "to do"s, and shut out the world.

Third stage benefit: Meditation! Once nursing has become second-nature and baby is more active, especially after having introduced other foods, breastfeeding becomes a time to let your mind flow with ideas and daydreams. No matter what your style: whether you are a "get stuff done" mom or a hippie-philosopher, this stage is great for taking time out to clear your mind and/or observe your thoughts. Now that you are running around after your child more, here is a great opportunity to slow down and refresh yourself. You may use this time to envision tomorrow's meeting, an upcoming birthday party or compose (in your mind) your next mommying blog :) No matter what your thoughts may be, many psychologists and religious leaders alike encourage meditation, and like-it-or-not, this is a time when you probably do just that: meditate.

I never thought of myself as a meditator, and yet after almost 9 years of breastfeeding, I suddenly realized that I do indeed mediate on a regular basis - while breastfeeding. Nursing can be your time-out from all the other mommy to-dos and messy-life demands. It can be your opportunity to check back into your deepest thoughts, dreams, and wishes. It can carve out time to shut off your mind while you watch tv, or just the opposite: allow you to really tap into your creative juices and most passionate self-discoveries.

So no matter your reason for breastfeeding, consider these benefits in addition to the ones you may already espouse - they make your nursing time more meaningful for you and your baby.

5 Signs You're a New Mom

There are 5 signs that you are a new mother. Test yourself with the checklist below:

1. You are tired & drained. Whether you labored for 48 hours or you spent 5 weeks in Bucharest picking up your adopted child, you are exhausted. You haven't slept from excitement, fear, and physical strain involved in knowing your baby is about to be held in your arms for the first time. You have circles under your eyes and kind of regret that your first photos with your baby will be kept for posterity with you looking less-than-refreshed. Some of you do your best to hide it with makeup. Others claim to "embrace our natural essence as a new mother". But all of you wish somehow this could be done with a lot more sleep and a lot less strain. (Many will question "how am I supposed to be the key role model for my child by starting out at my worst?!" This is one of the first indications that you are a new parent!)

2. You are exhilarated & relieved. You probably felt heavy and uncomfortable at the end of your pregnancy, and perhaps you've waited for years to finally get to this point. The excitement seems unending and keeps you in a vicious cycle vis a vis sign #1 (above). Your are overjoyed - beyond words - that you are holding your baby. You inspect him. You stare as he sleeps. You feel obsessed with this little new angel. And you sigh as you hold her, in awe. You plan her future, you plan your own. You consider yourself blessed, lucky, almost too-good-to-be-true. In fact: doesn't it feel surreal? "Is this baby really mine?!"

3. You are sad & confused. Part of moving on to the next stage in your life - the "parenthood" stage - involves saying goodbye to a lot of what you know and love. You are never alone in the way that you were accustomed to being - for better and for worse. You have lost most of your personal space, time to yourself, and now every decision needs to be double-checked with "how will it affect the baby". You may feel a loss of identity as it relates to your public persona (e.g. "career woman"). Or you may sense a strain on the formerly one-on-one intimate relationship you had with your partner. Moving from one stage in life to another always involves a sense of grief and longing for the "days of yore". (Note: it's ok to feel some grief, but if you find yourself alarmingly compromised by these thoughts, you may need to read up on postpartum depression)

4. You are overwhelmed & frustrated. Life as a new mother is suddenly and infinitely more complicated - in a way that you could never fathom before, and that you never "got" about your parent-friends before. You may be chronically late or obsessive about cleanliness/germs. You have lost a sense of balance and newly question what is "truly" important today, tomorrow, or ever. You are frustrated that you cannot focus, cannot get things done, and are more easily distracted by the NOW NOW NOW of your baby and his needs. You have mommy-brain = welcome to the club!

5. You are full. Life never felt so busy. Or complete. Or wonderful. Or insane. You are maxed to capacity - your cup runneth over and beyond! There is no moment when you aren't juggling multiple things or thoughts at the same time. It's both fulfilling and exhausting.

...Well? Are you a new mother, or what?!

Predictability out the Window

A new mother sits in her hospital bed and tries to nurse her baby.

Is the baby latching? Is she drinking? The mother isn't sure. The lactation consultant arrives and says "she looks good" and leaves. For the night.

In the middle of the night, the baby cries, nurses and falls asleep. And again cries, nurses and falls asleep. The cycle repeats itself sometimes every hour, sometimes more. The mother asks "how will I know if she's getting enough milk? How will I know when she is done nursing?"

The answer, as many seasoned mothers know, is that you don't. You won't.

And this line of questioning - this sense of not knowing - is the true sign of becoming a parent. As our children grow, we face myriad questions and concerns not knowing. From "when will he be potty trained?" to "why is she hanging out with the wrong crowd?" we lose our sense of life-predictability.

Some mothers are dubbed "worriers" for this reason - they cannot stop the barrage of what-ifs in their minds. Others somehow learn to release control and just go-with-the-flow. And most of us are somewhere in the middle.

But no matter what, we all struggle with this concern for when, how, and what will happen with/to our children. Welcome to parenthood!

Top 10 Myths (and Facts) of Being a (New) Mother:

1.     “You can have it all” Fact: We all have 24 hours in our day and cannot do more than our limited physical bodies can handle. However, you can find the right balance and re-prioritize to be happy with a new schedule, new relationships, and new sense of purpose. You may not have it all, but you can build a fulfilling new life.

2.     “When your baby is born, you will feel euphoric and amazed.” Fact: Women relate differently to a new baby and many face unforeseen emotional and physical challenges. Motherhood may not be what you thought, and you may need to consider a different lifestyle than you’d expected.

3.     “My pediatrician will be able to answer all of my questions.” Fact: Pediatricians are specialized to answer medical questions. They are no better trained in many parenting-related issues than anyone else in your social network. For answers to most parenting questions, turn to someone you respect and/or literature that can guide you to answers that fit your particular circumstances.

4.     “I’ll be able to take care of myself when my baby sleeps.” Fact: Most of the time, you will be cramming in WAY too much while your little prince or princess rests, and you will find that you don’t get as much done as you’d hoped. Plan simple, plan minimal, until you find the right balance.

5.     “My spouse will be my support.” Fact: Spouses want to support and do provide a certain amount of emotional and physical support. But they almost always fall short of your expectations. Beware of being overly critical and relax your demands. Be thankful of whatever support you get and turn to other friends, family, or hired-help to take care of the rest.

6.     “Babies and children are really expensive”. Fact: There are lots of gear, toys, clothes, and other baby items that are unnecessary, short-lived, or otherwise obtainable for free or less expensive online and through various community support networks. Having a new baby is a key life-changing event, and marketers and stores know it – they thrive on parents’ sense of needing new items. Be frugal and be careful not to overbuy and overload your budget unnecessarily. Check out your local church or other community resources for alternative ways to obtain what will be most helpful or needed.

7.     “I’ll always discipline right and be patient and understanding.” Fact: You will usually discipline the way you envision working best, but sometimes you will fall off-the-wagon and become the disciplinarian you swore you’d never be, saying things or doing things you thought you’d never do. That’s okay. You are a human and not an angel, and it’s healthy for your child to see you at your worst so that s/he knows that it’s normal to falter. Your child probably won’t remember when you are weakest, so just forgive yourself and strive for better next time.

8.     “My kids will not be the ones throwing tantrums in public places”. Fact: The only way this will be 100% true is if you never bring them out in public. Children get upset, and social graces are learned over time. Certain precautions will help minimize tantrums, but they will happen sometimes regardless of how well you prepare. Some precautions include: making sure your child is well rested (don’t go out during naptime), well fed (don’t go out during mealtime), and healthy (don’t go out if they have a cold).

9.     “A good parent will treat all of her children the same.” Fact: A good parent will actually treat her children differently, each according to his/her needs and sensitivities. Some children require more discipline, others “naturally” follow their parents and behave. Within the same family, some children need more attention, some are more physical, some are emotionally sensitive, etc. Some children will be diligent in school while others will be distracted. By treating all children the same, a parent is ignoring individual strengths and weaknesses. Thus, a good parent will actually treat her children differently.

10.   “My life won’t be so different – I’ll make sure my child fits my schedule and lifestyle.” Fact: A new child will have his or her own lifestyle needs and tendencies. The more a parent tries to “push” her agenda, the more likely a child will have emotional conflicts through his life. Having a child means compromising your own life in order to make room for someone else’s – it’s no longer just about you – it’s about a new “us”.

                                                                                                           

The Blessed Cry

Unfortunately, it only hit me after 4 kids just how important my baby's cry really is. What a blessing, in disguise.

See, with my first, second, and even third child, the cry, whine, or even pout were something of a nuisance, and I'd do my best to quickly calm, appease, or otherwise tend to their needs and put a stop to the crying. I couldn't wait until they were old enough to "use their words" and teach them not to cry, but rather to express their needs in calmer, more polite terms (ha!)

Because, let's face it - crying gets under our skin. Yes, I know that biologically it has been fine-tuned over millions of years of evolution for just this purpose - to get us to move - and move quickly - because an infant just can't wait. But once the baby isn't so small, isn't so frail, and starts to be able to put words together... well, the crying just gets annoying. Especially when all 3 children start up in unison (or cacophony, as it were)!

With my 4th child, crying started to take on new meaning. I realized that I was often so distracted by my other children, that if he didn't wail - and wail with some might! - that he really wouldn't get his needs met! Then, I started to view my other children's whining differently as well. How quickly will I listen to my 7 year old, if she says "excuse me mother, but I'm having difficulty with my homework" versus "MOOOOMMMMYYYY - I can't do this homework and need your help NOW!" Clearly, when I'm distracted with making dinner and balancing the needs of her 3 siblings, she'll opt for the whiny version to get my attention. Let's face it - I'll hear her better if she whines. I could beat myself up about it, or I can just recognize the truth: children will do what they must to get their needs met. And that's a blessing.

Until now, I saw crying/whining as a sad truth, a tragic part of childhood that we mothers must endure. Now, I'm realizing my own humanity, and that in my overwhelm I may not hear their sweet, quiet "please can you pass the potato" and instead react more quickly to "MOMMY! Come NOW you have to FEEED ME!" And since I want my kids to feel confident to stand up for themselves in this world, that means I need to recognize their cries are a blessing.

Now, that's not to say that I actively encourage the crying. I'm just newly able to appreciate it and smile at my little screaming-angel, and complain a little less about life as a mommy.

Coddling

One of the biggest problems facing America today is the state of our economy.

How did we get this way? America used to be the most industrious of nations, saving metal for the war and volunteering above and beyond the call of duty!

One reason for our downward spiral is our coddling style of parenting. Possibly due to the many advances in developmental psychology, most parents are overly nervous of emotionally hurting their children and fear pushing them too much, asking too much of them, or generally upsetting their feelings. And besides, it's usually easier to just give in - clean up for them, buy them the extra toy, or offer an extra sweet to maintain the peace.

Being a firm parent isn't easy - it requires emotional strength and commitment, and a solid sense of long-term gain over short-term appeasement. But the long-term benefits are tremendous: children who learn to pick up after their play-dates, to diligently do their homework and to dutifully do their chores, end up happier and more productive members of their community and society at large.

Great Blend

There are lots of baby products on the market, touting the easiest or fastest way to make your own baby food at home.

I find them all to be fine, but mostly gimmick.

The real deal? An immersion blender (aka immersion wand) is all you need. You can steam what you'd like in your own pot, or just blend raw veggies or fruits using any bowl. The only 2 catches:
1. be careful using while foods are hot - allow to cool first, since holding at a slight angle can send food flying across your kitchen.
2. it only works with "wet" (or moist) materials, so if you're blending raws, you'll need to add water, formula, or milk to successfully blend.

Try it out - voila, you'll have great baby food AND you can use leftovers to make your own soups or dips. Here are a few ideas that work great for me:

-homemade hummus (SO easy - just whizz a can of chickpeas for baby, and for adults add whatever spices you enjoy)
-steamed squash (use leftovers to make creamy squash soups - just add onion or garlic & salt)
-steamed broccoli & cauliflower
-yogurt/berry smoothies (need I say more?)


Healthy food for baby AND mom. What a treat!

Shopping with an infant

When going out for the first time(s) after having a baby, there are a few things to consider before stepping beyond your front door.

And no, it's not just about remembering to bring the infant WITH you. (Or hiring the babysitter).

Going out with your baby poses new and rare challenges. Especially to new, inexperienced mothers.

The first issue is food. If you are bottle-feeding your baby, you MUST BRING formula with you! It's best to have enough for many HOURS, just in case of emergency. Don't forget that this baby has a tiny tummy, and he can't "just hold off" like you can. It's wise to bring a diaper bag with ice packs, if it's sunny and warm out. If you are adding water on-the-go, there may not be a convenient spot to warm up the formula, so you may be better off bringing ready-made bottles.

If you are breastfeeding, then you MUST BRING food/drink with you! It's very easy to get dehydrated, especially with spring/summer babies. If you don't have food or drink in the house (hey, it happens!) then bring cash. You also will need to consider where you will breastfeed. In the car? In the bathroom? On a park bench? All are options that moms have chosen, and each has her own level of comfort. I, for one, never breastfeed in a bathroom. I make a point not to feed my child where I wouldn't want to eat myself. On the other hand, I am quite comfortable nursing in public areas, and I own 2 nursing shawls in case I feel particularly exposed.

On the other hand/side, pun-intended: be prepared for poop. Your baby may suddenly produce an explosion and you would be wise to bring an entire extra wardrobe with you - from top to bottom. Plan for more than one extra diaper and plenty of wipes.

I have found that there are certain stores that are more welcoming than others. Grocery stores are MOST difficult with a newborn, as there is nothing else but aisles and checkout - no place to sit and feed, change, etc. Ironic, since that's the place you need to visit most frequently. Most shopping malls have public bathrooms that aren't so friendly, but some have family bathrooms that can accommodate nicely. Almost all anchor stores (Macy's, Nordstrom's, etc.) have nice lounges that can be quite comfortable to tend to your baby's needs. But the best place to go is to a BABY store. They have cozy chairs you can rock on, some have nursing rooms, and most have extra supplies for free if you're in a pinch while you're shopping. Best of all, there are plenty of moms in similar shape (or pregnant and fascinated by your charming little gal) with whom you can share stories and possibly make new friends and your first play-dates.

From my experience, the best place to go on your first outing is to BabiesRUs or, better yet, to Buy Buy Baby. Fantastic places with all the bells & whistles, so that you can come back home with a can-do attitude ("Wow, look! We made it back in one piece!") so that you can feel ready to tackle grocery stores by month #2.

40 Days of Solitude

When I had my first child, my mother-in-law informed me of a tradition in her family: when a baby is born, both mother and child remain home-bound (indeed, they are supposed to stay in their bedroom) for 40 days. According to tradition, the birthing mother has a special spiritual haze around her, and she must be guarded and protected.

I decided to give the tradition a shot. I didn't leave the house (except for doctors visits) for 40 days.

It was transformational.

When a new child enters the family, many changes are involved. Changes of schedule, foods, sharing-spaces, and of course attitudes and perspectives. It's quite easy to get overwhelmed.

By shutting out a big chunk of the world, indeed all of the world beyond your home, you are able to focus on the changes at play and make sure you and baby emerge healthy and the whole family remains strong. If you know there is nowhere you must go and nobody you have to see, then you can just pay attention to the new baby, hold her and feed her and dedicate all of your time and energies to yourself, your family and your baby.

I recommend this hibernation to all mothers - whether you are facing baby #1 or baby #15. It's the healthiest way to facilitate baby's entry into your family and your life.