Different Strokes for Different Folks

Today's blog is dedicated to cousin Hinda a"h, teacher par excellence.

Jewish tradition holds that each child is unique and must be taught according to his needs. Some children are visual learners, others are tactile learners, and still others are auditory learners. Some children need dynamic teachers with boisterous personalities, while others are inspired by quiet, calmer styles of personal attention. No one way is right for everyone - and a wise teacher will be able to tap into the particular needs of the individual child, in order to appropriately guide him.

The way we mother must also accommodate each child's individual personality. Especially those of us with more than one child must be careful to be flexible with our methods and treatment, so that each child gets what he needs. The way we discipline, challenge, engage, and protect our children can and should be different. Some children need a firm voice to guide them, while others feel stifled by tight discipline. Some children are naturally attentive to their parents' wishes, while others test behavioral boundaries. No one path will guide all children, and we mothers must be creative, open-minded, and patient to listen.

In my own experience, my son is a true little-man. He has an ego that must be stroked, or he throws tantrums. While I am guiding him to be more patient and less tantrum-prone, I must also protect him from his own anger and do my best to attend to his male-personality. When I raise my voice to him, he shuts down. But if I whisper in his ear what I'd like to see, he quickly changes his tune and wants to impress me. My daughter, on the other hand, does not listen when I whisper in her ear and continues to whine and act defiantly. She needs to be told what to do, in a firm voice. Each personality has its merits and requires a different style of parenting.

My cousin Hinda was an amazing teacher and guide. She knew how to be a listener and always had advice that was dead-on. I wish she were able to read my blogs and add her life-experience as pre-school teacher, mother and grandmother. She will be dearly missed.

How I wonder

As baby gets bigger and starts to talk, he confronts us with increasing amounts of questions. “Where are you going, when are you coming back, why do you need to go there and who will you see…?” or more philosophical “where does the moon go during the day?” and “how come bubbles pop more easily than balloons?”

Children are naturally curious to learn about their new, fascinating world. Part of our job is to match their sense of wonder and encourage it. After all, your child is filled with infinite possibilities, especially with regard to his mind. The way you entertain his questions will affect how he places himself in the world. If you relate to his questions as annoying, intrusive or worse: stupid, then he will learn to stifle his sense of curiosity. If, on the other hand, you consider his questions, offer interested and interesting answers, and/or engage with him in finding solutions to his queries, then he will learn that the world is full of wonderful discoveries.

Yesterday, I discussed how “no” helps direct a child in the world. Today’s discussion points to the “yes” ideas – the things he will realize he CAN do, CAN consider, and what DOES work.  It opens doors of possibility in his space, so that he can grow to consider and create new realities for himself.

More thoughts relating to this idea are discussed in a fantastic book by Rosamund Stone Zander and Benjamin Zander, entitled The Art of Possibility (see link below this blog). A great, uplifting read, this book will help you explore new possibilities not only with your children, but with your marriage, your career, and with other relationships in your life. For those moms who could use a pick-me-up at the end of the day, with stimulating ideas to consider about building a better tomorrow, check out this book.

Say The Magic Word

There is a magic word for moms. It’s not the child’s magic word “please”. Mom’s magic word is “no”. Just as much as we need to teach our children to get comfortable with saying “please,” we have to get comfortable with saying “no”.  This is a pitfall for many moms, especially those of us who are naturally confrontation-averse.

“No” is the most important word in our small child’s life. It keeps him from danger, it teaches him limits, boundaries, and is the key to guiding him to appropriate behavior and relationships as he grows. Without “no” a child’s world is overwhelming and confusing. We all need limits to survive – just think how insignificant we adults feel when we contemplate the idea of an infinite universe. If we had no sense of boundaries of our home, country, and world, we’d feel emotionally and spiritually lost. We rely on the idea of the finite in order to live a normal life.

Teaching your child to be comfortable with “no” is the first step in helping him feel control over his environment. He can decide between options, he feels empowered to choose what he likes, and he can begin to decipher what is “right” and “wrong”.

For those moms who need some pointers on how to welcome “no” into their vocabulary, I recommend William Ury’s The Power of A Positive No (note the link on the side of this blog). This book is truly transformational and brings new perspective on the dynamic between “no” and “yes”.  In brief, he shares the idea that for every “no” that you say, there is an underlying “yes”. So, for example, when you tell your child “no, you may not have another lollypop before dinner” you are also saying “yes, you may have a healthy dinner very soon.” Or “no you may not play before doing homework” is also “yes, you may get your homework out of the way so that you can play until bedtime.” In more extreme examples, NO to running into the street means YES to playing safely, NO to interrupting mom on the phone means YES to the value of respect and patience. And NO to hitting means YES to learning other ways of handling aggression.

Of course, your children need to hear your “yes” choices as well. You must clearly communicate with your child what she CAN have, CAN do, and what behaviors you WILL reward. I don’t feel the amount of “yeses” necessarily need to balance the “no’s” (it’s really about quality not quantity) because yes is helpful in a different way… more on that in tomorrow’s blog :).