When I had my first child, my mother-in-law informed me of a tradition in her family: when a baby is born, both mother and child remain home-bound (indeed, they are supposed to stay in their bedroom) for 40 days. According to tradition, the birthing mother has a special spiritual haze around her, and she must be guarded and protected.
I decided to give the tradition a shot. I didn't leave the house (except for doctors visits) for 40 days.
It was transformational.
When a new child enters the family, many changes are involved. Changes of schedule, foods, sharing-spaces, and of course attitudes and perspectives. It's quite easy to get overwhelmed.
By shutting out a big chunk of the world, indeed all of the world beyond your home, you are able to focus on the changes at play and make sure you and baby emerge healthy and the whole family remains strong. If you know there is nowhere you must go and nobody you have to see, then you can just pay attention to the new baby, hold her and feed her and dedicate all of your time and energies to yourself, your family and your baby.
I recommend this hibernation to all mothers - whether you are facing baby #1 or baby #15. It's the healthiest way to facilitate baby's entry into your family and your life.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Dedication
As I read the controversial book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, by Amy Chua (see link), I gleaned some important messages.
In contrast with the hype and criticism the book (and author) received, I found the book uniquely empowering and enlightening.
The story takes the reader on a journey into the sensibilities, challenges, and considerations of a world-class mommy. It begins with her first daughter, who seems, for the most part, to follow her mother's directions and directives. Her second daughter provides most of the drama in the tale, as her headstrong, defiant nature challenges her mother's dreams, goals, and hopes for her future.
As the book progresses, Chua shares some doubts about her Asian-style of parenting, struggling with her commitment to many of its principles. And here, friends, is where I found the book refreshing and inspirational - the Chinese values are clearly worth consideration, and her struggle to maintain them while entrenched in a thoroughly Western environment brings beautiful drama to the picture:
"...I came to see that Chinese parents have two things over their Western counterparts: (1) higher dreams for their children, and (2) higher regard for their children in the sense of knowing how much they can take." (p. 8)
and
"In Chinese culture, it just wouldn't occur to children to question, disobey, or talk back to their parents. In American culture, kids... score points with their snappy backtalk and independent streaks." (p. 24)
Where the book begins with her embracing rigid determination ("Asian-ness") as a parent, by the end she shares newfound ("Western"?) wisdom with her daughter, claiming, "See how undefensive and flexible I am? To succeed in this world, you always have to be willing to adapt." (p. 221)
The clincher and the greatest message of this book is: dedication. Chua is clearly supremely dedicated to her children. Whether her methods are quirky, extreme, or questionable, her motives are pure and admirable: to challenge her children to tap into their own greatness and potential - to work hard and reap the benefits of their labor.
Whether Asian or Western in style, Chua challenges her readers to dedicate their time and energies to their children. On reading her book, one cannot help but consider "Am I too weak? Should I be more dedicated to my child's greatness-potential? Am I doing enough to encourage/challenge them to do more, be more?"
These questions, along with the message of dedication, are the real gifts of Chua's work. Set the controversies aside and consider what the book can offer you in your life - you'll be glad you did.
In contrast with the hype and criticism the book (and author) received, I found the book uniquely empowering and enlightening.
The story takes the reader on a journey into the sensibilities, challenges, and considerations of a world-class mommy. It begins with her first daughter, who seems, for the most part, to follow her mother's directions and directives. Her second daughter provides most of the drama in the tale, as her headstrong, defiant nature challenges her mother's dreams, goals, and hopes for her future.
As the book progresses, Chua shares some doubts about her Asian-style of parenting, struggling with her commitment to many of its principles. And here, friends, is where I found the book refreshing and inspirational - the Chinese values are clearly worth consideration, and her struggle to maintain them while entrenched in a thoroughly Western environment brings beautiful drama to the picture:
"...I came to see that Chinese parents have two things over their Western counterparts: (1) higher dreams for their children, and (2) higher regard for their children in the sense of knowing how much they can take." (p. 8)
and
"In Chinese culture, it just wouldn't occur to children to question, disobey, or talk back to their parents. In American culture, kids... score points with their snappy backtalk and independent streaks." (p. 24)
Where the book begins with her embracing rigid determination ("Asian-ness") as a parent, by the end she shares newfound ("Western"?) wisdom with her daughter, claiming, "See how undefensive and flexible I am? To succeed in this world, you always have to be willing to adapt." (p. 221)
The clincher and the greatest message of this book is: dedication. Chua is clearly supremely dedicated to her children. Whether her methods are quirky, extreme, or questionable, her motives are pure and admirable: to challenge her children to tap into their own greatness and potential - to work hard and reap the benefits of their labor.
Whether Asian or Western in style, Chua challenges her readers to dedicate their time and energies to their children. On reading her book, one cannot help but consider "Am I too weak? Should I be more dedicated to my child's greatness-potential? Am I doing enough to encourage/challenge them to do more, be more?"
These questions, along with the message of dedication, are the real gifts of Chua's work. Set the controversies aside and consider what the book can offer you in your life - you'll be glad you did.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Common Breastfeeding Challenges
Breastfeeding is a challenge. I've heard from many sources that if it's done "correctly" it shouldn't hurt. Well, that's both a true and false.
The truth is this: when the mom and baby are in a healthy groove, it won't hurt. In fact, it will feel good for both, and joyously nurturing. But it can take a few weeks for this "healthy groove" to fall into place. Especially with the first baby, it feels like a long time for mom and baby to learn each other and establish nursing "habits".
And another truth is this: while waiting for your "healthy groove" with your baby, you can be plagued with all sorts of painful setbacks. Some are common and some are unique/rare. Even some lactation consultants may be stumped with certain anatomical challenges - you'd be wise to confer with more than one, if problems persist (like getting a second opinion from a doctor). But as for the common problems, many of us have experienced them, and they can be both physically and emotionally painful. And yet, those who breastfeed for longer than 6 months will tell you that it was worth persisting.
The first challenge in breastfeeding is getting a good latch. For this, lactation consultants are an amazing gift to mothers, old and new alike. I've heard over and over from friends, "if I could just get the latch as good as the consultant did in the hospital, this would be easy..." Alas, most of us exhausted and overwhelmed mothers are lucky if we get a good latch within the first 5 tries. Multiply that by 8-12 nursing sessions per day, and you get a lot of wear-and-tear on our nipples. The best advice is to try different positions, because while you may think one is most comfortable for you, the baby may need a different setup to properly latch and stay on. Experiment and practice. Just like everything else in life, the more you practice, the better you'll get, until it "becomes natural." Like tying your shoe, or riding a bike, you'll find that one day you'll realize that you no longer struggle to figure it out, and you can just enjoy the experience.
And then there are ailments...
Thrush is one common setback: it is a yeast and presents as painful, bright pink spots/blotches on and around the nipple. Sometimes, the nipple turns white/translucent after nursing, as a sign of distress. It is painful especially when baby is latching on, and I've often literally cringed when the baby is crying and ready to nurse. It can also be painful for the baby if it spreads to his mouth, so both mom and baby are at risk of nursing less often than is necessary for baby's healthy growth. There are some over-the-counter herbal remedies, but the doctors often prescribe diflucan for the mother and an oral anti-fungal for the baby. As with most nursing complications, it is important to involve both mother's and baby's doctors, since it affects both. Important note about thrush: if you have antibiotics, which many moms do during/after labor, then it greatly increases risk of yeast-overgrowth (just like a vaginal yeast infection). In order to help prevent this, it's a good idea to eat a lot of yogurt and possibly take additional healthy digestive bacteria in pill form, during/after labor and in the first few weeks of nursing.
Another upsetting possibility is mastitis. This is when a milk-duct gets clogged and infected. It comes on VERY strong and fast, and knocks out the mother with a high fever. It demands immediate and drastic attention. First sign is probably an itchy, red hot-spot on the mother's breast. Massaging that area can help open the clogged duct, but once the fever is on, you'll need/want antibiotics right away. Mastitis can hit at any time, but it is most likely to happen in the first few days or weeks, when the ducts are still figuring out how much milk to produce and often over-produce in the process. Which leads us to...
Engorgement - it hits almost all of us. It can be very painful and often presents problems for the newborn to latch-on... which creates a vicious cycle: baby can't latch on, so mom gives up and offers a bottle, meanwhile producing even MORE milk, so that it's yet again difficult for baby to latch on, etc. The breasts and nipple can feel like boulders, literally hard-as-a-rock. I've heard 2 pieces of advice on this: one is to take a warm shower and massage out milk, and the other is to place raw cabbage on the breast and just leave it there - it magically softens and relaxes the breast (just be careful to cut out a hole for the nipple, so it won't smell/taste like cabbage to the newborn!) For myself, I usually just pump extra milk (deflating the breast) and freeze it for later. I find that after the engorgement has passed, the supply/demand cycle of mom and baby naturally develops more easily.
Breastfeeding is a wonderful experience for both mom and baby, but don't believe anybody who tells you it's easy and painless. The reality is: it's difficult and can be quite painful, especially in the beginning. But with the right coaching from a lactation consultant (not to mention supportive friends), it will become both easy and painless... and incredibly rewarding.
The truth is this: when the mom and baby are in a healthy groove, it won't hurt. In fact, it will feel good for both, and joyously nurturing. But it can take a few weeks for this "healthy groove" to fall into place. Especially with the first baby, it feels like a long time for mom and baby to learn each other and establish nursing "habits".
And another truth is this: while waiting for your "healthy groove" with your baby, you can be plagued with all sorts of painful setbacks. Some are common and some are unique/rare. Even some lactation consultants may be stumped with certain anatomical challenges - you'd be wise to confer with more than one, if problems persist (like getting a second opinion from a doctor). But as for the common problems, many of us have experienced them, and they can be both physically and emotionally painful. And yet, those who breastfeed for longer than 6 months will tell you that it was worth persisting.
The first challenge in breastfeeding is getting a good latch. For this, lactation consultants are an amazing gift to mothers, old and new alike. I've heard over and over from friends, "if I could just get the latch as good as the consultant did in the hospital, this would be easy..." Alas, most of us exhausted and overwhelmed mothers are lucky if we get a good latch within the first 5 tries. Multiply that by 8-12 nursing sessions per day, and you get a lot of wear-and-tear on our nipples. The best advice is to try different positions, because while you may think one is most comfortable for you, the baby may need a different setup to properly latch and stay on. Experiment and practice. Just like everything else in life, the more you practice, the better you'll get, until it "becomes natural." Like tying your shoe, or riding a bike, you'll find that one day you'll realize that you no longer struggle to figure it out, and you can just enjoy the experience.
And then there are ailments...
Thrush is one common setback: it is a yeast and presents as painful, bright pink spots/blotches on and around the nipple. Sometimes, the nipple turns white/translucent after nursing, as a sign of distress. It is painful especially when baby is latching on, and I've often literally cringed when the baby is crying and ready to nurse. It can also be painful for the baby if it spreads to his mouth, so both mom and baby are at risk of nursing less often than is necessary for baby's healthy growth. There are some over-the-counter herbal remedies, but the doctors often prescribe diflucan for the mother and an oral anti-fungal for the baby. As with most nursing complications, it is important to involve both mother's and baby's doctors, since it affects both. Important note about thrush: if you have antibiotics, which many moms do during/after labor, then it greatly increases risk of yeast-overgrowth (just like a vaginal yeast infection). In order to help prevent this, it's a good idea to eat a lot of yogurt and possibly take additional healthy digestive bacteria in pill form, during/after labor and in the first few weeks of nursing.
Another upsetting possibility is mastitis. This is when a milk-duct gets clogged and infected. It comes on VERY strong and fast, and knocks out the mother with a high fever. It demands immediate and drastic attention. First sign is probably an itchy, red hot-spot on the mother's breast. Massaging that area can help open the clogged duct, but once the fever is on, you'll need/want antibiotics right away. Mastitis can hit at any time, but it is most likely to happen in the first few days or weeks, when the ducts are still figuring out how much milk to produce and often over-produce in the process. Which leads us to...
Engorgement - it hits almost all of us. It can be very painful and often presents problems for the newborn to latch-on... which creates a vicious cycle: baby can't latch on, so mom gives up and offers a bottle, meanwhile producing even MORE milk, so that it's yet again difficult for baby to latch on, etc. The breasts and nipple can feel like boulders, literally hard-as-a-rock. I've heard 2 pieces of advice on this: one is to take a warm shower and massage out milk, and the other is to place raw cabbage on the breast and just leave it there - it magically softens and relaxes the breast (just be careful to cut out a hole for the nipple, so it won't smell/taste like cabbage to the newborn!) For myself, I usually just pump extra milk (deflating the breast) and freeze it for later. I find that after the engorgement has passed, the supply/demand cycle of mom and baby naturally develops more easily.
Breastfeeding is a wonderful experience for both mom and baby, but don't believe anybody who tells you it's easy and painless. The reality is: it's difficult and can be quite painful, especially in the beginning. But with the right coaching from a lactation consultant (not to mention supportive friends), it will become both easy and painless... and incredibly rewarding.
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