Welcome to Kira's Blog

Welcome to My Blog

Life with young children can be challenging, but with the support and advice of friends, we can feel empowered and thankful for the blessing of being a Mom.

My musings are those of a self-proclaimed attachment-parenting Tiger mom, who juggles full-time mommying with a small (but growing!) baby-related business. I hope some of my thoughts help you
Enjoy your day, Enjoy your night, and Enjoy your kids!!!

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Permission to Grieve

Ok folks, I’m getting personal.

Most of the posts on this blog are general mommying messages. Some are funny and light. Most are universal. This one gets more personal – and yet through the personal, I think it will resonate more generally.

We live in a Cult of Optimism – in our culture, people are peppy and youthful and vibrant. We whiten our teeth and color our hair. We put on flashy clothes and walk into interviews with a “can-do” attitude. All of this is fine… to a point.

At some point as a parent, we feel weak and frail. At some point, we face tough decisions and times of failure. At some point, we cannot maintain our “happy and fine” attitude. At these times, the Cult of Optimism works against us. Because at these times, we are not optimistic. We are not able to maintain our membership in the Cult.

Our family has now spent the past year and a half facing an aggressive tumor. Our path is uncertain and our troubles are many. Throughout the ordeal, some people have been incredibly supportive of our need to be melancholy, nervous, or frustrated. Others have drifted away, presumably not comfortable with how to interact with a parent feeling ongoing grief and sadness.

Having left the Cult of Optimism – temporarily or permanently - we sometimes feel alone.  Because those in the Cult of Optimism will ask us “how are you?” but frown if our answer is anything but “fine.” They will not allow us to be sad. They feel uncomfortable with our grief.

This post is an act. A statement. An invitation to a new twist in parenting: Permission to Grieve. We allow ourselves to be sad and overwhelmed. We relinquish our control and desire to “fix” each other’s dilemmas and instead hold each other’s hands and support each other during our times of weakness. We share, and we cry together. We acknowledge that we have little control in our world, little control over our children. We sympathize that parenting is not always joyful, not always fun, and sometimes downright unfulfilling. And that’s okay. We can be disappointed and grieve together.


  1. An important blog. I would appreciate more detail on defining the "cult of optimism" what the symptoms are, and why we have to grow up.

  2. beautifully said. thank you.

  3. Thank you for posting this!
    My daughter was born a little over a year ago and all my friends and family were so excited and all came to share in our joy. Unfortunately about a month after she was born my daughter was diagnosed with some health and developmental issues. The rest of the year was spent going in and out of the hospital and full of constant trips to various specialists and therapists.
    Its been hard to always pretend that everything is fine and that I believe she is going to "out grow this" but my friends don't want to hear anything else and if ever my optimism falters and I express my fears for her and how difficult her life is going to be the line I always get is "oh you're worrying too much, you caught it early and are on top of it... she'll be fine" I know these comments are meant to make me feel better but they make me feel worse - not only do I have the pain and disappointment of whats happening but I feel like a bad mother for not being able to handle things as well as everyone thinks I should.
    I always tell my son that it is okay to cry when you feel upset and that sometime just crying can help make you feel better. I guess I needed to hear that for myself too.

  4. Kira, you are such a beautiful person and such a beautiful writer. This is a Kveller.org blog if I ever did hear one. Or DoubleXX or Slate. Get the word out! You can always tell me it sucks. :)

  5. Thank you for your comments - based on the replies, I will compose a follow-up post soon ...